Wossy

I'm sure you all saw my huge success on the Jonothan Ross programme at the BBC. I came across as exactly the sort of hip young thing that appeals to hip young voters these days. My master stroke was giggling along as Mr Ross and his other guest the actor Mr Bruce Rillis were saying "fuck".

But not all the success is of my doing, for once. Mr Ross observed that neither he nor I knew what my policies were - creating an intimate fraternal bond between us, and thereby between me and Mr Ross's viewers and listeners.

As to the question of whether I had sexual fantasies about Mrs Thatcher... all I can say is that I had a normal student experience.

The Forsyth Protocol

I know Fred is unhappy that we have not yet got around to allying our MEPs with the rabidly homophobic Law and Justice party of Poland. We tried sending Theresa May over to talk to them, but they told her that she belonged in the kitchen.

But Freddie must understand that when you are not the front runner in an electoral contest you have to go the extra mile to say things that will appeal to the electorate. There isn't, after all, much danger of winning, and if you do win, you can always renege. My advice to Fred is this: see what promises I make to the electorate before you start demanding that I keep the promise I made to the Conservatives. You wouldn't want to set a precedent!