Monday, October 29, 2007

One-legged Lithuanian Lesbians

Of course it was not meant to come out quite like that.

My remark about one-legged lithuanian lesbians was not intended to convey and disrespect or hostility towards disabled people, lithuanians or lesbians in particular. No.

You see the modern Conservative party does not, like the Conservative party of old, represent only the interests of some able-bodied, british public school educated, heterosexual elite. We have realised that the electoral arithmetic means we must extend the boundaries of the recognised elite a little, and appear to extend it a lot.

And how do we tell these people that are only disabled, or only lithuanian, or only lesbian, that they might be considered for admission to this elite? By expressing how much better they are than anybody who has the misfortune of being all three!

I love it!

Hat tip: Cicero

Monday, October 08, 2007

You can't make it up

...apparently. Some common school is frightfully upset about this. But I will say this to them. It could have been your school. That sort of thing happens all the time among the unwashed masses, I happen to know, it says so in the Daily Mail.

And of course I know a thing or two about thuggery and vandalism myself. Perhaps this is the cause of the confusion. The boy in question was just angling for membership of the Bullingdon club. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hoo hoo ho ho ha gasp pant.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Rehearsing the unrehearsed look

OK there has been a lot of confusion recently about my speech. When I said that I would be making it up as I go along, I was not referring to the speech itself, which was of course well prepared as usual, but to conservative policies in general.

By policies, I mean of course the positioning exercises and general mood music we use to test the water and refashion our image.

I haven’t got an autocue and I haven’t got a script, I’ve just got a few notes so it might be a bit messy; but it will be me.

I meant of course that I didn't have a script in front of me, not that the speech was unscripted. A clever bit of spin, don't you think? And it was me. I hired the speechwriter after all.

Here was another bit, did you notice? I bet you think I am proposing lower taxes for married couples with children, right? Wrong. What I am proposing "benefits only a quarter of married couples across the board and, of those, less than 40% actually have dependent children."

I am so clever it hurts, sometimes.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

That conference speech in full... (again)

Two years ago I stood on this stage and gave a speech about why I wanted to lead the party. Now I want to lead the country.

[10 minutes standing ovation]

20 years ago I was inspired by a trip to Eastern Europe - the dull uniformity, the lack of freedom.

Every generation of Conservatives has to make again the arguments for freedom, free markets and limited government, because the previous generation of conservatives will always have forgotten them once in government.

Our party has campaigned on the NHS, with no sense of shame.

It is not good enough being a one nation party to open the door - we have to drag the ethnics kicking and screaming into the party. But I am proud to have a muslim woman homophobe in my shadow cabinet.

Change, real change, isn't just about the pence in your pocket. It is understanding how to repackage Conservatism - opposition to change - for the modern media. We are not going to lurch to the left or right, we are going to lurch firmly into the past.

This government is always reannouncing old policies. But you won't catch me having any policies. Brown wants to appeal to the 4% in swing seats. How awful. I'm really shocked at that sort of thing.

People want the politics of belief. And we want them to believe us. That's why we're on the same side.

I believe if you really talk about responsibility, common sense and MySpace, for long enough, people won't notice you have not actually said anything.

Please sign up to 'Am I the only person who doesn't like David Cameron' on Facebook.

[Listeners all miss the next 15 minutes of the speech while they go to facebook and invite all their friends to join the group.]

We will say to Vardy and McDonalds, come into the state sector and drive up standards in our schools. But why isn't this working? Because professional teachers are not deferring to my superior judgement on the use of synthetic phonics. Let's get politicians' micromanagement out of education and get teachers to start doing exactly what I say.

One of the aspirations people still have, and rightly so, is the aspiration to own their own home. And we are going to pretend that minor changes to stamp duty will make a noticeable difference.

Oh and hasn't Brown made a mess of the country's pensions? It must be the biggest pensions disaster since the Tory mis-selling scandal of the 80s.

While our economy is getting richer, in many ways we are not going to get far being too optimistic - no we need to hype up the breakdown of society in order to frighten people into voting for us.

There are a million young people with nothing better to do than join groups on Facebook. Why has Labour done nothing about Facebook? Every day you hear some numpty promoting some Facebook group or other.

What are we going to do? Let's look at what works. In states like Wisconsin in America, where single parents are denied benefits unless they travel hours a day for minimum wage work, and hardly ever see their children. This is how we put families first.

The best welfare system of all? The family. If you think about it, it gives us a chance to wash our hands of the problem completely. And by recognising marriage in the tax system, we can further complicate tax credits, and punish widows and the sinful with evangelical zeal.

Anyway, we've got to scrap those top-down targets and trust the professionals in education the NHS.

The other feature of this Brave New World, is the sense of insecurity we feel, the end of the New World Order. When it comes to Iraq, we all want people to forget our culpability in supporting that war. I've been to Afghanistan for photo-ops with the troops. In this world of danger, the old politics is failing, as Mr Blair said when assaulting civil liberties.

I'm very proud to have Milosovic appeaser Pauline Neville Chamberlain in my shadow cabinet.

But we face new threats like climate change. We need to say that we are the party of sensible green leadership. Then people won't notice that we are doing next to nothing.

On crime, we will not be led by the need for headlines on the six o'clock news. This party is not a PR exercise, and I am going to pretend not to be a PR man any more.

So there you have it. I have told you want I believe today. It's about me. Am I up to it? Yes I am. I had inherited wealth, a privileged upbringing and went to a fantastic public school. But am I smug? I will let you be the judge.

After 10 years of Labour, I am as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more. Everybody go to your window and shout it. So, Mr Brown, call that election. We will fight, but Britain will win.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Tories to carry on Blair reforms

As reported by the BBC, we intend to continue Blair's policy of reforming the public services, extending target culture and box-ticking to the furthest reaches of public services.

We will
  • Issue all junior policy advisers with envelopes and fag packets on which to devise new targets for public services they don't understand
  • Bring in new targets for the police, alongside quality payments for officers who advise at least 90% of crime victims to change their locks, lock their cars, and keep their valuables in a safe place.
  • Raise standards of street sweeping with key Performance Indicators whereby street sweepers store before and after sample scrapings from each street in question so that cleaning performance can be analysed. All samples will be sent to a new Street Operations Directorate in Slough.
  • Ensure satisfaction from teachers, with 5 page progress forms on each child to be sent home every week.
  • Ensure that recyclable materials collected are in fact recycled with a system of asset tracking whereby each item of paper, glass, garden waste, etc, is barcoded by the householder.
  • Introduce a Politeness Hotline where public servants who fail to smile and say "Have a nice day" can be reported, for re-education.
  • And finally we will tackle the tendency of state grammar schools to turn out so many bloody oiks. Can't stand them. Every state grammar school child will be assessed for oikishness on a 100 point scale, with the worst offending schools top of the list for conversion to McVardy creationism academies.
I love it!

Friday, May 04, 2007

Where there's a will there's a whippet

I am delighted with the breakthoughs we have made in major northern cities such as Chester, Worksop and Todmorden. There were some, even in our party who thought that the northern cities might never forgive us for the relish with which Margaret ground them underfoot. But that is all over now.

In Sheffield, where we made massive gains of minus one, building a platform for the general election, voters are referring to our huge tally of votes with quaint admiring phrases like 'tha girt lump'.

In Manchester, where, frankly, we are quite irrelevant, we have held our ground. In Liverpool and Leeds we have lost no deposits, and in Blackley and Burnburn we have successfully lulled the other parties into a sense of security.

We are truly a national party once again. I love it.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Why vote Tory on May 3rd?

Why indeed. Let me tell you. Voting for us on May 3rd will maintain the rising tide of the Conservatives. It will give Blair a good kicking. It will give Brown a headache. It will give Ming something to think about. It will give me some reason to look and act as smug as I do.

Never let it be said that I am a vacuous PR man, that when I open my mouth nothing of substance comes out, only comforting noises, positioning and testing the water.

Never let it be said that Michael Howard has been the only Conservative leader of any calibre since Margaret Thatcher.

Never let it be said that you know nothing of real life if you have never been too poor to smash up a restaurant and buy your way out of trouble.

And if all that can't never be said without omitting double negatives, so much the better, or, er, worse.

Anyway, that's enough about me, this election is really about all those young people up and down the country who've had enough of Blair, and spin over substance, and puffed up PR people calling the shots. They want something different, er, anyway, they - we - want a new Britain - children playing in the streets again, motherhood, apple pie, cricket and free love (strictly as part of a normal student experience).

I love it!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Terribly sorry, won't get caught again

Well the stiffs at the Commons standards and privileges committee have given me a bit of a telling off over a bit of harmless influence selling.

Frankly, this is all a bit much. Influence is a limited resource, and the way for the market to allocate it most efficiently is if I sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure Adam Smith would concur - didn't he say to always trust business people to influence legislation because they will have their own profits in mind at the expense of the common good. Something like that.

The Conservative Party has a long and proud tradition of representing the interests of the wealthy above all others. Yes, in recent years we have had a few leaders with inferior origins - Margaret Thatcher, John Thingy, the Foetus, Michael Howard. But even these plebs knew who to sell influence to.

And now we are back on track, representing in me the best and the smuggest the country has to offer, the little people are whining about standards. It is enough to make one lose one's rag a bit.

Er, terribly sorry, won't happen again, honest to goodness.

hat tip: Liberal Review

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Half a million well spent I think

My dear readers,

I hope you have noticed the blog redesign reflecting the new values of the new Conservative Party.

You will find the following new features on the new right hand side of the new page:
  • The all-important new mission statement
  • New resources for reaching out to Labour and the Lib Dems
  • The latest news about the Conservative Party
The green and blue colour scheme represents the fusion of the ideals of the Green Party and the Conservative Party. Where the Green Party would make everybody poor to save the planet, and we used to only care about the rich, the new Conservative Party will keep the poor poor, to keep the planet nice for the rich. Or something like that, we're still consulting, obviously.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Hot air tax

As I explained earlier, the conservative party is making noises about a whole range of new green taxes to combat environmental problems that will still be around when our typical members are dead - in the next 5 years or so.

Anyway, one blogger chappie has issued a challenge for somebody to defend the idea of an escalating tax on hot air, so that we can all enjoy a bit of high altitude verbal diarrhoea once or twice a year, but if we keep doing it the cost ratchets up.

Well you must understand that we all (shut up John) appreciate the threat of global warming caused by so many politicians - yes that means you Mr Blair - talking such complete poo the whole time. We in the conservative party are committed to making perfect sense all the time, thus cooling the planet down again.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Soft on posh thugs, hard on photos of posh thugs

You know I really don't think I will say anything about this, I mean we all did some wild things when we were young, and I think it is only that posh people are entitled to be thugs in their private life without having to worry about whether they will one day go into politics.

Do we really want the sort of politican who spends his youth thinking 'shall I smash up this restaurant? No, it might harm my political career' I should hardly need to ask.

No, we want the sort of peron who will show their mettle. Who knows what privilege is for and puts it to interesting uses. Who isn't afraid of getting a little carried away now and then so long as nobody is hurt who really matters.

Friday, March 02, 2007

For the sake of the children

There is one thing that will raise the life chances of a child more than any other. Something the state needs to be sending a clear signal in support of. Something the tax system should recognise and encourage.

Too long we have allowed political correctness to prevent us trumpeting and rewarding with tax incentives something so cruical to the well-being of children and the cohesiveness of society.

It is a state so positive and wonderful that even people who don’t have children should be incentivised to enter it. Because, frankly, without a few extra quid in their pockets, people might never realize how good it is.

But no longer. The Conservative Party is proud to announce that we think the rich have got it right, and we will be encouraging people to be rich, with extra tax allowances especially for the rich.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Whisper it quietly

Apparently I am "turning down the volume" on the party's core beliefs until they are inaudible. Mr Leigh asks "Why after a year of his leadership are we only one point ahead of where we were at the start?"

Well I am grateful for the opportunity to clarify the situation. You see the Conservatives no longer stand for rampaging ahead in the opinion polls like the nasty, competitive Conservatives of old. We think it would be much better if we could all get along, if we aspired to being a bit more popular than the other parties, but not too much more. We don't want to behave as if we really thought we were right about things.

After all, saying all this centrist rubbish is hard enough, but acting like we thought we were right about it.... no, sorry, that is beneath even me.