Tories to carry on Blair reforms

As reported by the BBC, we intend to continue Blair's policy of reforming the public services, extending target culture and box-ticking to the furthest reaches of public services.

We will

• Issue all junior policy advisers with envelopes and fag packets on which to devise new targets for public services they don't understand
• Bring in new targets for the police, alongside quality payments for officers who advise at least 90% of crime victims to change their locks, lock their cars, and keep their valuables in a safe place.
• Raise standards of street sweeping with key Performance Indicators whereby street sweepers store before and after sample scrapings from each street in question so that cleaning performance can be analysed. All samples will be sent to a new Street Operations Directorate in Slough.
• Ensure satisfaction from teachers, with 5 page progress forms on each child to be sent home every week.
• Ensure that recyclable materials collected are in fact recycled with a system of asset tracking whereby each item of paper, glass, garden waste, etc, is barcoded by the householder.
• Introduce a Politeness Hotline where public servants who fail to smile and say "Have a nice day" can be reported, for re-education.
• And finally we will tackle the tendency of state grammar schools to turn out so many bloody oiks. Can't stand them. Every state grammar school child will be assessed for oikishness on a 100 point scale, with the worst offending schools top of the list for conversion to McVardy creationism academies.
  

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