Thursday, August 31, 2006

I turn if you want to...

...the knave is for turning.

When the Lib Dems proposed green taxes, they got it all wrong. Taxes are not the answer. However, now they are.

Green taxes are an important part of maintaining our natural environment for future generations of landowners to enjoy. So we will introduce taxes on the worst environmental menaces of our age:

  • Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
  • Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
  • Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
  • Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
  • People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Built to come last

Before I start today, can I recommend the marvellous blog of Mr Dome, who I think is a friend of one of my campaign chaps, Mr Luntz.

Astute readers will notice that I have already launched the New Tory aims and values, in Feburary, see here. However nobody really paid much attention, and we got it quite wrong, so I thought we would have another go.

So here is my new new statement of new new values:
  • Make positive noises about Lib Dem values, Labour values, Green values
  • Avoid committing to anything
  • Make some noises calculated to maintain the dissent among Tories at a manageable level
  • Avoid committing to anything
  • If asked any difficult questions, lose one's rag a bit
Detractors may scoff, but it is actually quite difficult to put something together that sounds like a real policy commitment. Lets take our promise of binding targets for carbon emissions, for example. Sounds great, doesn't it? But binding on who? Everyone who emits carbon? Who knows, and frankly, who cares?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Product Placement

(story, hat tip)

You see the problem with marketing politics these days is that people have stopped watching adverts listening to politicians.

In particular there is a whole demographic that watches the news and takes an interest in politics that advertisers are finding harder than ever to reach.

This is why I have become leader of the Conservatives Party, to re-engage this lost generation. Can't beat the feeling, can't beat the real thing, Coke is it!

We wan't to put money back in the pockets of taxpayers. That's Asda Price!

We must all insulate our homes to fight global warming. If only we knew it how do-it-all do it.

Why should people vote Conservative? Because I'm worth it.