Where there's a will there's a whippet

I am delighted with the breakthoughs we have made in major northern cities such as Chester, Worksop and Todmorden. There were some, even in our party who thought that the northern cities might never forgive us for the relish with which Margaret ground them underfoot. But that is all over now.

In Sheffield, where we made massive gains of minus one, building a platform for the general election, voters are referring to our huge tally of votes with quaint admiring phrases like 'tha girt lump'.

In Manchester, where, frankly, we are quite irrelevant, we have held our ground. In Liverpool and Leeds we have lost no deposits, and in Blackley and Burnburn we have successfully lulled the other parties into a sense of security.

We are truly a national party once again. I love it.