Look at me! I'm doing the washing up.

Isn't this a great way of communicating directly to people that I do my own washing up and talk to my own children ("In a minute, darling").

Now I'm sure the mangle is round here somewhere.

How to identify trees from large distance. Number 8: The scribble

If you imagine the green represents the ideas flowing forth from a young new young party leader like myself, you will see that it looks very green, and while it originates somewhere on the right, it is blowing quite emphatically towards the left. The whole structure, however still leans to the right. Quite brilliant. Several kilos of cocaine well spent, I think.

Dear Tony

Dear Tony,

I have served as your heir for some time now. My loyalty to you, and to the values we share has been unswerving. The struggle to fashion a political party, or two, of the socially conservative, neo-con authoritarian centre-right has been your preoccupation and mine for as long as I can remember.

We have revolutionised the lives and expectations of millions of management consultants and marketing types. Your leadership, and mine, has been visionary and remarkable.

So it is with the greatest sadness that I can no longer remain your heir, as it appears that you are turning into a bit of a loser.

I share the view of the overwhelming majority of my party that I would do better to rebrand myself as the successor to your successor. Not the heir to Blair, but, perhaps, the crown to Brown.

For the sake of my electoral prospects, I urge you to reconsider your determination to leave office. I do not believe that statements so far give us the lack of clarity necessary to bury the Labour Party over the next year.

It is with the greatest regret, therefore, that I must end our alliance.

Yours, no longer,

Dave

see also, hat tip

Beware pale imitations

It looks like some young punk has started a blog called David Cameron In India.

This is an outrageous parody of my actual beliefs that I have been sharing with you on this blog.

Let me explain my real reasons for going to India.

1. If you make noises about being green, it is important to do as much jet-setting as possible or risk upsetting the cheap flight junkies.

2. I couldn't visit anywhere in the EU without people bringing up my disasterous policy on the EPP.

3. And anyway India has a wonderful culture. I've not seen any totem poles yet, but I am still looking.

And of course, most importantly, I am joining the community of young bloggists on the interweb, who will surely all be voting Conservative as a result.