Terribly sorry, won't get caught again

Well the stiffs at the Commons standards and privileges committee have given me a bit of a telling off over a bit of harmless influence selling.

Frankly, this is all a bit much. Influence is a limited resource, and the way for the market to allocate it most efficiently is if I sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure Adam Smith would concur - didn't he say to always trust business people to influence legislation because they will have their own profits in mind at the expense of the common good. Something like that.

The Conservative Party has a long and proud tradition of representing the interests of the wealthy above all others. Yes, in recent years we have had a few leaders with inferior origins - Margaret Thatcher, John Thingy, the Foetus, Michael Howard. But even these plebs knew who to sell influence to.

And now we are back on track, representing in me the best and the smuggest the country has to offer, the little people are whining about standards. It is enough to make one lose one's rag a bit.

Er, terribly sorry, won't happen again, honest to goodness.

hat tip: Liberal Review

Half a million well spent I think

My dear readers,

I hope you have noticed the blog redesign reflecting the new values of the new Conservative Party.

You will find the following new features on the new right hand side of the new page:

• The all-important new mission statement
• New resources for reaching out to Labour and the Lib Dems
• The latest news about the Conservative Party

The green and blue colour scheme represents the fusion of the ideals of the Green Party and the Conservative Party. Where the Green Party would make everybody poor to save the planet, and we used to only care about the rich, the new Conservative Party will keep the poor poor, to keep the planet nice for the rich. Or something like that, we're still consulting, obviously.

Hot air tax

As I explained earlier, the conservative party is making noises about a whole range of new green taxes to combat environmental problems that will still be around when our typical members are dead - in the next 5 years or so.

Anyway, one blogger chappie has issued a challenge for somebody to defend the idea of an escalating tax on hot air, so that we can all enjoy a bit of high altitude verbal diarrhoea once or twice a year, but if we keep doing it the cost ratchets up.

Well you must understand that we all (shut up John) appreciate the threat of global warming caused by so many politicians - yes that means you Mr Blair - talking such complete poo the whole time. We in the conservative party are committed to making perfect sense all the time, thus cooling the planet down again.

Soft on posh thugs, hard on photos of posh thugs

You know I really don't think I will say anything about this, I mean we all did some wild things when we were young, and I think it is only that posh people are entitled to be thugs in their private life without having to worry about whether they will one day go into politics.

Do we really want the sort of politican who spends his youth thinking 'shall I smash up this restaurant? No, it might harm my political career' I should hardly need to ask.

No, we want the sort of peron who will show their mettle. Who knows what privilege is for and puts it to interesting uses. Who isn't afraid of getting a little carried away now and then so long as nobody is hurt who really matters.

For the sake of the children

There is one thing that will raise the life chances of a child more than any other. Something the state needs to be sending a clear signal in support of. Something the tax system should recognise and encourage.

Too long we have allowed political correctness to prevent us trumpeting and rewarding with tax incentives something so cruical to the well-being of children and the cohesiveness of society.

It is a state so positive and wonderful that even people who don’t have children should be incentivised to enter it. Because, frankly, without a few extra quid in their pockets, people might never realize how good it is.

But no longer. The Conservative Party is proud to announce that we think the rich have got it right, and we will be encouraging people to be rich, with extra tax allowances especially for the rich.