Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home

One thing I have in common with the common people such as vagrants, is not knowing from day to day where my homes are.

So when asked if I had a fourth home, my best answer was “I don’t think so – not that I can think of.”

Don't make me sound like a prat for not knowing how many houses I've got. That's my job.

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In the duck house

I won't be throwing any breadcrumbs of comfort to Tory MP Peter Viggers, who claimed for a £1,645 duck house. No. His goose is cooked.

I'm not going to get down off my high horse on this one. (You don't get down off a horse, you get down off a duck.) We can't keep swanning around charging this sort of thing to the taxpayer.

How can I spin up the canard that this is all about Gordon Brown, that we are not as guilty as Labour, if this sort of thing keeps happening?

It's driving me absolutely quackers.


moar funny pictures

Tough on little ticket items

The people of Britain are rightly furious at the way we have been milking our expenses. So I am laying down the law to my party in an act of leadership. Conservative MPs will no longer be allowed to claim for:

-swimming pools
-tennis courts
-chandeliers
-servants (unless absolutely necessary)

There. That should settle it. Anything but touch the subsidised mortgages which are the real money spinner. After all, it is hardly worth being an MP if you can't make a mint in the property market.