Beyond satire

Many in our party are uncomfortable with our bold steps into the centre ground. I am undaunted.

In order to appeal to the moderate majority in England, we simply have to talk about the things they are interested in. And one of the biggest topics these days is satirising the Conservative Party.

Well I can do it better than they can. And, if I say so myself, having the chauffer drive my bag and shoes, while I cycle, is a masterstroke that no satirist could better. It portrays me as appearing green, while doing nothing of any practical value. It is what everybody is talking about these days. And when the people see that we are talking the same language too, they will vote for us in droves. I love it!

Half Tory, Half Tree-Hugger

So I have been called a half-Tory. What people need to understand is how the Lexus hybrid works.

Firstly, the batteries and electric motor allow the engine to run at efficient speeds, and recapture energy when the brakes are applied. This allows an almost doubling of fuel efficiency. ("Half Tree Hugger")

Secondly, it is twice as big as other cars, halving the fuel efficiency again ("Half Tory"). So let me reassure you, that my Tory half is twice the Tory of anybody else's Tory half.

Ahem, I mean my tree-hugger half is twice... well you know what I mean.

Anyway, the environment is not about a binary choice between hugging trees and cutting them down. We can give them a really big hug and then cut them down.

Tag: hybrid, tree-hugger

Vote blue, go green, in the red and turning yellow

Some of the green lobby tend to look at the environment as a binary choice: you can have either economic growth or a sustainable environment. But the truth is we're at a loss to think of how to deliver either.

But Conservative councils do more recycling, have cleaner streets, host more hunting and shooting, than any Green Party run council anywhere in the country.

We've got to think global, act local. Think green, vote blue. We are not inheriting the earth from our parents, we are borrowing it from future generations of landowners. Remember you're a womble.

I expect every conservative, once a day, to make their own contribution, by picking up a piece of litter, or not flying to the Arctic, or living in a cave for a month and growing turnips. I love it.

The fire of spam is burning bright

A member asked me in Manchester "do we really have to change, is there no choice?" Well of course there is choice. The Conservative Party is all about choice. This is the choice:

"There's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and change; egg bacon and change; egg bacon sausage and change; change bacon sausage and change; change egg change change bacon and change; change sausage change change bacon change tomato and change."

"I don't want any change," she said.

"Well," I said, "there's change egg sausage and change, that's not got much change in it."

"Could you do the egg bacon change and sausage without the change then?"

"Change egg bacon change, sausage and change it is then. Oh, and egg, bacon and sausage are off. At least until we are elected anyway."

You see I am determined to win back Britain's northern cities, like Manchester, and er, er, and the others. And if change is what it takes, change is what I'll talk about.