Tories to carry on Blair reforms

As reported by the BBC, we intend to continue Blair's policy of reforming the public services, extending target culture and box-ticking to the furthest reaches of public services.

We will

• Issue all junior policy advisers with envelopes and fag packets on which to devise new targets for public services they don't understand
• Bring in new targets for the police, alongside quality payments for officers who advise at least 90% of crime victims to change their locks, lock their cars, and keep their valuables in a safe place.
• Raise standards of street sweeping with key Performance Indicators whereby street sweepers store before and after sample scrapings from each street in question so that cleaning performance can be analysed. All samples will be sent to a new Street Operations Directorate in Slough.
• Ensure satisfaction from teachers, with 5 page progress forms on each child to be sent home every week.
• Ensure that recyclable materials collected are in fact recycled with a system of asset tracking whereby each item of paper, glass, garden waste, etc, is barcoded by the householder.
• Introduce a Politeness Hotline where public servants who fail to smile and say "Have a nice day" can be reported, for re-education.
• And finally we will tackle the tendency of state grammar schools to turn out so many bloody oiks. Can't stand them. Every state grammar school child will be assessed for oikishness on a 100 point scale, with the worst offending schools top of the list for conversion to McVardy creationism academies.
  

I love it!

Where there's a will there's a whippet

I am delighted with the breakthoughs we have made in major northern cities such as Chester, Worksop and Todmorden. There were some, even in our party who thought that the northern cities might never forgive us for the relish with which Margaret ground them underfoot. But that is all over now.

In Sheffield, where we made massive gains of minus one, building a platform for the general election, voters are referring to our huge tally of votes with quaint admiring phrases like 'tha girt lump'.

In Manchester, where, frankly, we are quite irrelevant, we have held our ground. In Liverpool and Leeds we have lost no deposits, and in Blackley and Burnburn we have successfully lulled the other parties into a sense of security.

We are truly a national party once again. I love it.

Why vote Tory on May 3rd?

Why indeed. Let me tell you. Voting for us on May 3rd will maintain the rising tide of the Conservatives. It will give Blair a good kicking. It will give Brown a headache. It will give Ming something to think about. It will give me some reason to look and act as smug as I do.

Never let it be said that I am a vacuous PR man, that when I open my mouth nothing of substance comes out, only comforting noises, positioning and testing the water.

Never let it be said that Michael Howard has been the only Conservative leader of any calibre since Margaret Thatcher.

Never let it be said that you know nothing of real life if you have never been too poor to smash up a restaurant and buy your way out of trouble.

And if all that can't never be said without omitting double negatives, so much the better, or, er, worse.

Anyway, that's enough about me, this election is really about all those young people up and down the country who've had enough of Blair, and spin over substance, and puffed up PR people calling the shots. They want something different, er, anyway, they - we - want a new Britain - children playing in the streets again, motherhood, apple pie, cricket and free love (strictly as part of a normal student experience).

I love it!