Standing together with other parties in a crisis

At a time of financial crisis, we put aside our petty disputes, and form a team with our political opponents to tackle the crisis. I am determined that George Osborne and myself will contribute our ideas to the solution. Nick Clegg and Vince Cable too have their contribution to make. Vince of course was only chief economist at Shell, whereas George here was, er, is, er the Conservative shadow chancellor.

Here's how I see the team's division of labour shaping up:

Alastair Darling will draw up the legislation.

Vince Cable will say what should go in it.

I will cleverly suggest it happens slightly more quickly.

Nick Clegg will put forward relief plans for people in danger of losing their homes.

Gordon Brown will pretend he thought of that.

George Osborne will get the tea and biscuits.


You see this way, everybody's skills get used to the best effect. That's called leadership. I love it!

That's enough greenery for now

The new Conservative Party can take much pride in having talked about the environment and adopting a tree logo. But enough is enough. Having done our bit, and frankly riding so high in the polls as we are, we can forget all that stuff, and revert to form. Mind you, we're not in government yet, so don't think you have seen the half of it.

This is not of course our first u-turn on this issue. So now is the time to revisit those green taxes I proposed, and bring them up to date.

This is what I said last time:

• Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
  
• Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
  
• Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
  
• Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
  
• People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]
  

Now you may be asking how one u-turns on a policy that is so vacuous in the first place. Ye of little faith, there is much we can do.

• Cheaper petrol
• More fossil-fuel power stations
• Greater dependence for energy on our Russian friends
• More airports

And it needn't stop there. When you are born smug like me, pissing away other people's future comes naturally. I love it.