That conference speech in full...(again, again)

[Check against delivery]

Thankyou. It is great to know that everybody in the party agrees with me. It is not often a party leader can be this smug, or a party this craven.

Today we face a financial crisis. But we will not allow what happened in America to happen here. We will work with the government to pretend that we don't have a parliamentary system in which our "help" is no use.

But we must not hold back in being critical of the mistakes that led to this crisis, except those made under Margaret Thatcher.

The test for a political party is whether it can rise to the challenge of what the Times demands. And the other Murdoch papers.

The reality of government is not something I know anything about, but I will talk as if I did.

Let us be clear why we are talking about Afghanistan, instead of Iraq. It is because we can back the troops mission in Afghanistan 100%. With regards to Iraq we could, at best, equivocate.

And now even we are on the side of the Gurkhas.

These are times of great crisis [extra serious voice]. And people want to know whether their politicians are up to it. It isn't really about policies - which is good for us! It is about values and instincts.

Some people believe the Conservative Party is about freedom. But freedom must be tempered by responsibility. So we Conservatives believe in freedom for the rich, tempered by resposibilities for everybody else.

I know that my party can get it wrong, and sometimes other parties get it right. I hold to some simple principles: strong defence, one rule for some, sound money. Trust your judgement and your colleagues, even Gideon Osborne.

Tony Blair spoke of the 24 hour media world. But this is a country not a television channel. We have some bad policies for our long term future, and I am ready for that.

What matters more than experience, is having the character, and the judgement of of a shallow PR man. Experience is the excuse of everyone who wants to stop change - it was our excuse in 92 and 97, except it was right then.

The risk is not speaking in platitudes, the risk is that people won't mistake platitutes for wisdom.

The tap marked borrowing has been left on for too long. There will be a day of reckoning, but today is not that day.  Cry God for Harry, England and St George.

Gordon Brown has borrowed during the good times, and now the cupboard is bare - just like Lamont and Clarke in the 90s.

We will rein in government borrowing, you know what that means, it means whatever George said on Monday, when nobody was listening (with any luck).

I will ask all my shadow ministers to find extra spending cuts, although we probably won't be in power for two years by when the recession will probably have ended.

I believe in low taxes for the rich. So let me say this to the call centre worker, the hairdresser and the electrician. I know it is your money, and I want to give some of it back to people richer than you. But the real test is whether we can get elected before too many people notice.

Sound money, low taxes for the rich, simple beliefs for simple people. I admire entrepreneurs in bed every night.

I will build a high speed rail network, linking 4 cities, by ending investment in the rest of the network.

Labour think there is no such thing as society. You cannot run a country like that. We should know.

Labour treat people like children - we believe in only treating fat people like children.

In the European elections we will fight to resurrect the long-dead European Constitution by demanding a referendum on it.

The institution I care most about (after my family, the family, the Union, the armed services, the Bullingdon club...) is the NHS. I will talk about it for ages to make that seem plausible.

Some say our society isn't broken. I wonder what world Boris is living in. But is not just the crime, it is angry harsh culture of incivility. Thatcher's generation seems to have abandoned society.

There are those who say that what is required is to be tough on crime. And they are right. But let us all recognise that this only deals with the symptoms. I'm searching here for the right soundbite - something to do with crime and its causes.

The family is the best welfare system there is. That is why we offer tax breaks to those married and childless at the expense of unmarried parents.

After the family comes school, and the chance to talk about my family more. We will allow new schools more freedom, and old schools less freedom.

I'm going to quote some guy representing a spelling reform campaign, as if reformed spelling were actually taught in schools.

Only by failing to reform English spelling are we going to staunch the tide of social breakdown.

And finally, on benefits, we will end the something-for-nothing benefits culture introduced by Margaret Thatcher's extension of incapacity benefit.

This party has changed. This is who we are today, and those who disagree don't understand the power of platitude.

We are not only changed, but united. This means every single member has changed. And if you don't believe that we have a chip to implant in your brain to make you believe it.

Leadership, character, judgement, that is what the country needs now, and I only wish I had them. Thankyou.

That conference speech in full... (again)

Two years ago I stood on this stage and gave a speech about why I wanted to lead the party. Now I want to lead the country.

[10 minutes standing ovation]

20 years ago I was inspired by a trip to Eastern Europe - the dull uniformity, the lack of freedom.

Every generation of Conservatives has to make again the arguments for freedom, free markets and limited government, because the previous generation of conservatives will always have forgotten them once in government.

Our party has campaigned on the NHS, with no sense of shame.

It is not good enough being a one nation party to open the door - we have to drag the ethnics kicking and screaming into the party. But I am proud to have a muslim woman homophobe in my shadow cabinet.

Change, real change, isn't just about the pence in your pocket. It is understanding how to repackage Conservatism - opposition to change - for the modern media. We are not going to lurch to the left or right, we are going to lurch firmly into the past.

This government is always reannouncing old policies. But you won't catch me having any policies. Brown wants to appeal to the 4% in swing seats. How awful. I'm really shocked at that sort of thing.

People want the politics of belief. And we want them to believe us. That's why we're on the same side.

I believe if you really talk about responsibility, common sense and MySpace, for long enough, people won't notice you have not actually said anything.

Please sign up to 'Am I the only person who doesn't like David Cameron' on Facebook.

[Listeners all miss the next 15 minutes of the speech while they go to facebook and invite all their friends to join the group.]

We will say to Vardy and McDonalds, come into the state sector and drive up standards in our schools. But why isn't this working? Because professional teachers are not deferring to my superior judgement on the use of synthetic phonics. Let's get politicians' micromanagement out of education and get teachers to start doing exactly what I say.

One of the aspirations people still have, and rightly so, is the aspiration to own their own home. And we are going to pretend that minor changes to stamp duty will make a noticeable difference.

Oh and hasn't Brown made a mess of the country's pensions? It must be the biggest pensions disaster since the Tory mis-selling scandal of the 80s.

While our economy is getting richer, in many ways we are not going to get far being too optimistic - no we need to hype up the breakdown of society in order to frighten people into voting for us.

There are a million young people with nothing better to do than join groups on Facebook. Why has Labour done nothing about Facebook? Every day you hear some numpty promoting some Facebook group or other.

What are we going to do? Let's look at what works. In states like Wisconsin in America, where single parents are denied benefits unless they travel hours a day for minimum wage work, and hardly ever see their children. This is how we put families first.

The best welfare system of all? The family. If you think about it, it gives us a chance to wash our hands of the problem completely. And by recognising marriage in the tax system, we can further complicate tax credits, and punish widows and the sinful with evangelical zeal.

Anyway, we've got to scrap those top-down targets and trust the professionals in education the NHS.

The other feature of this Brave New World, is the sense of insecurity we feel, the end of the New World Order. When it comes to Iraq, we all want people to forget our culpability in supporting that war. I've been to Afghanistan for photo-ops with the troops. In this world of danger, the old politics is failing, as Mr Blair said when assaulting civil liberties.

I'm very proud to have Milosovic appeaser Pauline Neville Chamberlain in my shadow cabinet.

But we face new threats like climate change. We need to say that we are the party of sensible green leadership. Then people won't notice that we are doing next to nothing.

On crime, we will not be led by the need for headlines on the six o'clock news. This party is not a PR exercise, and I am going to pretend not to be a PR man any more.

So there you have it. I have told you want I believe today. It's about me. Am I up to it? Yes I am. I had inherited wealth, a privileged upbringing and went to a fantastic public school. But am I smug? I will let you be the judge.

After 10 years of Labour, I am as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more. Everybody go to your window and shout it. So, Mr Brown, call that election. We will fight, but Britain will win.

That conference speech in full...

Well it's been a great week. Now Boris is often saying things that I don't agree with - but I can hardly complain. I don't say much that you lot can agree with.

This week, we have said that we are back in the centre ground of British politics. We've made comforting noises about childcare and that sort of thing.

We've seen some fantastic new candidates, one third of them totty.

Substance isn't producing policy, it is deeper than that. It is knowing what you ought to be saying. It is having a clear idea of how much you want to be in government. I don't think announcing policy is substance. Real substance is sticking to your guns, consistency, not having policy in the long term.

That's why I asked Oliver Leftwing to lead our policy review - because the party will never have the stomach to adopt any of it.

Let's talk about tax. We all know that talking about low taxes is good for votes. But that isn't substance. We're not going to take risks with the economy. We're not going to make promises. Let's face it, we're not going to do anything.

George has also discovered that there is more to the economy than talking about tax. There is also talking about India and China and talking about flying the flag.

Health spending has doubled under Labour. 24 ways to reorganise the NHS. They abolished the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, replacing them with Strategic Primary Care Regional Health Executives. And then changed them all back again. Well I say that was wrong. So I will bring back the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, I think, but that's not a policy.

As we live longer and we grow older we need all sorts of other rubbish. We need to back Social Services which are something to do with meals on wheels I think.

Standing up for your brand, that's what real substance is all about. Not everything Labour has done has been a mistake. Bank of England independence, the Minimum Wage, spin over substance.

12 years ago, there was this energetic young party leader promising to change his party and his country. But he let people down. There's a lesson there.

For too long the big political decisions in this country have been made in the wrong place. On the sofa in Tony Blair's office. We have got to end this arrogant style of government. I want to see policy made in my kitchen in front of the webcam.

I am passionate about the environment. I love the outdoors. Trees. Ahhhh. But we are reaching a tipping point with climate change. But we have the potential within us to keep the SUVs and cheap flights. Well maybe not cheap flights, but cheap enough for the sort of people whose interests we represent.

Government has got to show leadership by setting the right framework. Binding targets for carbon reduction. Tackling climate change is our social responsibility. And we know how serious Conservatives are about social responsibility (wink).

In July I went to Afghanistan to meet the troops and try the local produce. Our mission in Afghanistan is not just morally important, but gives me the opportunity to big up the troops. We love you guys.

The threat we face from terrorism is terrible. I am against it. We won't always play politics with this issue, it is too important. I believe terrorists should be tried for their crimes. And we will ensure this by abolishing the Human Rights Act.

Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. Remember that one? Hug a hoodie.

My grandfather fought on the beaches of Normandy, so there.

When I say we shouldn't have a foreign policy slavish to the US, Tony Blair doesn't agree. He thinks we should have a foreign policy, and I disagree.

Ultimately it is an emotional connection that binds people together. Although our origins and cultures may vary we all share common values. One of the most important ways we make connections is through school. So it would be reasonable to face the issue of faith schools head on. But instead I will continue to support faith schools. And Islam is really great. Maybe we need to keep an eye on muslim faith schools.

The church has said it will admit non-Christians to 20% of places in new faith schools. Well that's 20% at intake, it should be less by the time they graduate obviously. We want muslims schools to do the same, although I wouldn't send my kids there obviously.

We are all in this together. For years we conservatives have talked about rolling back the state, although we never actually did it. We trashed it a bit, if that counts. But that was the past. Now we should talk about rolling forward the frontiers of social conservatism.

Now I'm so bad at looking after my kids that I can empathise with all those useless single parents. But I believe in backing marriage. I'm not naive in thinking the state can actually do anything useful to back marriage. But I do know there's votes in saying you want to back it.

And I support civil partnerships too. Come on clap you buggers, haven't you been briefed on this?

Look at the forces shaping our world. Global trade, economic growth, investment, technology. We must somehow associate all this stuff with ourselves in the minds of voters. We have got to put together one mother of a marketing campaign. The best is yet to come.