I'm not scared, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!

So Mr Dome thinks I'm afraid of facing Jeremy Paxman for one of his famous forensic interviews. Well I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not! (I am saying it lots because Mr Paxman has been known to ask a question over and over again, so there.)

I'm not scared. The fact is that Mr Paxman isn't fair. He asks really difficult questions, that might make me look foolish, like George here:

He doesn't seem to understand that those of us born to rule should be shown a little more deference than that.

I think Mr Dome should say sorry for being so mean, and the rest of you should just shut up about this, OK? Or you'll be very, very, very, very, very sorry.

Wearing a non-dom

Gosh, well who'd have thought my old pal Lord Ashcroft was a non-dom. I've known for weeks of course which is why I've been defending him for years. Mike Ashcroft is one of us, after all.

Your domicile you see is defined in law as the country you feel the greatest affinity to. Clearly buying an election for the Conservatives is not something you do if you feel affinity for somewhere [are you sure this is right, Michael?].

Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home

One thing I have in common with the common people such as vagrants, is not knowing from day to day where my homes are.

So when asked if I had a fourth home, my best answer was “I don’t think so – not that I can think of.”

Don't make me sound like a prat for not knowing how many houses I've got. That's my job.

ht

Thou shalt not be morbidly obese

Politicians are too afraid to talk about moral issues today. And so we are facing an epidemic of knife, fork and spoon crime. And the poor. Don't get me started. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a poor man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Some people insist that morality is all about how you treat other people, that you should be free to eat and drink what you want. Not the Conservatives - we believe in damning you for your lifestyle choices. And we've never much liked the idea of treating plebs humanely, so we've got to have something to attach to the label "immoral" we so like using.

Public figures should not be afraid to use the concepts of right and wrong wrongly. Without the wrong idea of right and wrong, people might not always blame the victims. They might want the state to do its bit to give opportunities to people trying to lift themselves up. Don't they understand that we just talk about personal responsibility.

No, people shouldn't believe that the state will even try to solve their problems, because it won't. Not if I have anything to do with it. Personal responsibility means that we successful people can be smug about it. And if you are hard-working and remain poor or fat, there must be some reason for that, that we can still be smug about.

Terribly sorry, won't get caught again

Well the stiffs at the Commons standards and privileges committee have given me a bit of a telling off over a bit of harmless influence selling.

Frankly, this is all a bit much. Influence is a limited resource, and the way for the market to allocate it most efficiently is if I sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure Adam Smith would concur - didn't he say to always trust business people to influence legislation because they will have their own profits in mind at the expense of the common good. Something like that.

The Conservative Party has a long and proud tradition of representing the interests of the wealthy above all others. Yes, in recent years we have had a few leaders with inferior origins - Margaret Thatcher, John Thingy, the Foetus, Michael Howard. But even these plebs knew who to sell influence to.

And now we are back on track, representing in me the best and the smuggest the country has to offer, the little people are whining about standards. It is enough to make one lose one's rag a bit.

Er, terribly sorry, won't happen again, honest to goodness.

hat tip: Liberal Review

Soft on posh thugs, hard on photos of posh thugs

You know I really don't think I will say anything about this, I mean we all did some wild things when we were young, and I think it is only that posh people are entitled to be thugs in their private life without having to worry about whether they will one day go into politics.

Do we really want the sort of politican who spends his youth thinking 'shall I smash up this restaurant? No, it might harm my political career' I should hardly need to ask.

No, we want the sort of peron who will show their mettle. Who knows what privilege is for and puts it to interesting uses. Who isn't afraid of getting a little carried away now and then so long as nobody is hurt who really matters.