That conference speech in full...(again, again)

[Check against delivery]

Thankyou. It is great to know that everybody in the party agrees with me. It is not often a party leader can be this smug, or a party this craven.

Today we face a financial crisis. But we will not allow what happened in America to happen here. We will work with the government to pretend that we don't have a parliamentary system in which our "help" is no use.

But we must not hold back in being critical of the mistakes that led to this crisis, except those made under Margaret Thatcher.

The test for a political party is whether it can rise to the challenge of what the Times demands. And the other Murdoch papers.

The reality of government is not something I know anything about, but I will talk as if I did.

Let us be clear why we are talking about Afghanistan, instead of Iraq. It is because we can back the troops mission in Afghanistan 100%. With regards to Iraq we could, at best, equivocate.

And now even we are on the side of the Gurkhas.

These are times of great crisis [extra serious voice]. And people want to know whether their politicians are up to it. It isn't really about policies - which is good for us! It is about values and instincts.

Some people believe the Conservative Party is about freedom. But freedom must be tempered by responsibility. So we Conservatives believe in freedom for the rich, tempered by resposibilities for everybody else.

I know that my party can get it wrong, and sometimes other parties get it right. I hold to some simple principles: strong defence, one rule for some, sound money. Trust your judgement and your colleagues, even Gideon Osborne.

Tony Blair spoke of the 24 hour media world. But this is a country not a television channel. We have some bad policies for our long term future, and I am ready for that.

What matters more than experience, is having the character, and the judgement of of a shallow PR man. Experience is the excuse of everyone who wants to stop change - it was our excuse in 92 and 97, except it was right then.

The risk is not speaking in platitudes, the risk is that people won't mistake platitutes for wisdom.

The tap marked borrowing has been left on for too long. There will be a day of reckoning, but today is not that day.  Cry God for Harry, England and St George.

Gordon Brown has borrowed during the good times, and now the cupboard is bare - just like Lamont and Clarke in the 90s.

We will rein in government borrowing, you know what that means, it means whatever George said on Monday, when nobody was listening (with any luck).

I will ask all my shadow ministers to find extra spending cuts, although we probably won't be in power for two years by when the recession will probably have ended.

I believe in low taxes for the rich. So let me say this to the call centre worker, the hairdresser and the electrician. I know it is your money, and I want to give some of it back to people richer than you. But the real test is whether we can get elected before too many people notice.

Sound money, low taxes for the rich, simple beliefs for simple people. I admire entrepreneurs in bed every night.

I will build a high speed rail network, linking 4 cities, by ending investment in the rest of the network.

Labour think there is no such thing as society. You cannot run a country like that. We should know.

Labour treat people like children - we believe in only treating fat people like children.

In the European elections we will fight to resurrect the long-dead European Constitution by demanding a referendum on it.

The institution I care most about (after my family, the family, the Union, the armed services, the Bullingdon club...) is the NHS. I will talk about it for ages to make that seem plausible.

Some say our society isn't broken. I wonder what world Boris is living in. But is not just the crime, it is angry harsh culture of incivility. Thatcher's generation seems to have abandoned society.

There are those who say that what is required is to be tough on crime. And they are right. But let us all recognise that this only deals with the symptoms. I'm searching here for the right soundbite - something to do with crime and its causes.

The family is the best welfare system there is. That is why we offer tax breaks to those married and childless at the expense of unmarried parents.

After the family comes school, and the chance to talk about my family more. We will allow new schools more freedom, and old schools less freedom.

I'm going to quote some guy representing a spelling reform campaign, as if reformed spelling were actually taught in schools.

Only by failing to reform English spelling are we going to staunch the tide of social breakdown.

And finally, on benefits, we will end the something-for-nothing benefits culture introduced by Margaret Thatcher's extension of incapacity benefit.

This party has changed. This is who we are today, and those who disagree don't understand the power of platitude.

We are not only changed, but united. This means every single member has changed. And if you don't believe that we have a chip to implant in your brain to make you believe it.

Leadership, character, judgement, that is what the country needs now, and I only wish I had them. Thankyou.

Thou shalt not be morbidly obese

Politicians are too afraid to talk about moral issues today. And so we are facing an epidemic of knife, fork and spoon crime. And the poor. Don't get me started. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a poor man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Some people insist that morality is all about how you treat other people, that you should be free to eat and drink what you want. Not the Conservatives - we believe in damning you for your lifestyle choices. And we've never much liked the idea of treating plebs humanely, so we've got to have something to attach to the label "immoral" we so like using.

Public figures should not be afraid to use the concepts of right and wrong wrongly. Without the wrong idea of right and wrong, people might not always blame the victims. They might want the state to do its bit to give opportunities to people trying to lift themselves up. Don't they understand that we just talk about personal responsibility.

No, people shouldn't believe that the state will even try to solve their problems, because it won't. Not if I have anything to do with it. Personal responsibility means that we successful people can be smug about it. And if you are hard-working and remain poor or fat, there must be some reason for that, that we can still be smug about.

One-legged Lithuanian Lesbians

Of course it was not meant to come out quite like that.

My remark about one-legged lithuanian lesbians was not intended to convey and disrespect or hostility towards disabled people, lithuanians or lesbians in particular. No.

You see the modern Conservative party does not, like the Conservative party of old, represent only the interests of some able-bodied, british public school educated, heterosexual elite. We have realised that the electoral arithmetic means we must extend the boundaries of the recognised elite a little, and appear to extend it a lot.

And how do we tell these people that are only disabled, or only lithuanian, or only lesbian, that they might be considered for admission to this elite? By expressing how much better they are than anybody who has the misfortune of being all three!

I love it!

Hat tip: Cicero

Terribly sorry, won't get caught again

Well the stiffs at the Commons standards and privileges committee have given me a bit of a telling off over a bit of harmless influence selling.

Frankly, this is all a bit much. Influence is a limited resource, and the way for the market to allocate it most efficiently is if I sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure Adam Smith would concur - didn't he say to always trust business people to influence legislation because they will have their own profits in mind at the expense of the common good. Something like that.

The Conservative Party has a long and proud tradition of representing the interests of the wealthy above all others. Yes, in recent years we have had a few leaders with inferior origins - Margaret Thatcher, John Thingy, the Foetus, Michael Howard. But even these plebs knew who to sell influence to.

And now we are back on track, representing in me the best and the smuggest the country has to offer, the little people are whining about standards. It is enough to make one lose one's rag a bit.

Er, terribly sorry, won't happen again, honest to goodness.

hat tip: Liberal Review

Whisper it quietly

Apparently I am "turning down the volume" on the party's core beliefs until they are inaudible. Mr Leigh asks "Why after a year of his leadership are we only one point ahead of where we were at the start?"

Well I am grateful for the opportunity to clarify the situation. You see the Conservatives no longer stand for rampaging ahead in the opinion polls like the nasty, competitive Conservatives of old. We think it would be much better if we could all get along, if we aspired to being a bit more popular than the other parties, but not too much more. We don't want to behave as if we really thought we were right about things.

After all, saying all this centrist rubbish is hard enough, but acting like we thought we were right about it.... no, sorry, that is beneath even me.

Dear Tony

Dear Tony,

I have served as your heir for some time now. My loyalty to you, and to the values we share has been unswerving. The struggle to fashion a political party, or two, of the socially conservative, neo-con authoritarian centre-right has been your preoccupation and mine for as long as I can remember.

We have revolutionised the lives and expectations of millions of management consultants and marketing types. Your leadership, and mine, has been visionary and remarkable.

So it is with the greatest sadness that I can no longer remain your heir, as it appears that you are turning into a bit of a loser.

I share the view of the overwhelming majority of my party that I would do better to rebrand myself as the successor to your successor. Not the heir to Blair, but, perhaps, the crown to Brown.

For the sake of my electoral prospects, I urge you to reconsider your determination to leave office. I do not believe that statements so far give us the lack of clarity necessary to bury the Labour Party over the next year.

It is with the greatest regret, therefore, that I must end our alliance.

Yours, no longer,

Dave

see also, hat tip

In Full: Tory aims and values

The launch of my new statement of new values has had some coverage, but has been misreported a little, so I repost it here, for clarity.


Our Aims:

To improve the quality of life for everyone who is young and rich through: corporate welfare and nepotism. A strong society, where our families, our communities and our nation create secure foundations on the backs of the plebs. A sustainable environment for weekends shooting.

Our Values:

The more we say we trust people, the more they might trust us again. We're all in this together: government, business, do-gooders, families and plebs. We have a shared responsibility for my future.

Our Party:

We are an open and inclusive party. We will act to ensure that our Party, at the bottom rung, is representative of modern Britain. Even my very election as leader reduced the proportion of Etonians in the lower strata of the party.

What we're fighting for:

1. We will put economic stability first, for once. But over time there will be tax cuts, which we will call sharing.

2. We care deeply about the most disadvantaged in society. The right test for a party is how much it says it cares deeply about the most disadvantaged in society. We will stand up for the victims of state failure, now that many have forgotten what it was like when we were in power.

3. Quality of life matters to people, we hear. Even plebs. So we'll make sure to protect the environment, for shooting. And we won't have a go at working mothers any more because that wasn't nice.

4. We like public services now, and we will make them better, until the time comes for tax cuts sharing.

5. Make poverty history. Did you like that press release about Bob Geldof? All the young rock 'n' rollers will be voting for us now.

6. We are not such loony authoritarians as Tony Blair is - we don't have to be because people don't suspect we're bleeding hearts - we don't talk about caring and sharing and all that shit... er... damn.

7. We understand the limitations of being in government, but we believe in being in government. We are not limited in our aspirations for being in government.

8. We want more local democracy, except for regional assemblies. They might really make a difference, as the Scottish Parliament and the GLA has done. When we talk about localism what we really mean is wrecking the House of Commons to keep all those Labour Celts out.