Wearing a non-dom

Gosh, well who'd have thought my old pal Lord Ashcroft was a non-dom. I've known for weeks of course which is why I've been defending him for years. Mike Ashcroft is one of us, after all.

Your domicile you see is defined in law as the country you feel the greatest affinity to. Clearly buying an election for the Conservatives is not something you do if you feel affinity for somewhere [are you sure this is right, Michael?].

Best ever value for money

We all know that shadow chancellor and first-rate mini me, George Osborne cares about getting value for public money. He cares so much about value for public money that he makes speeches on the subject. He cares so much about value for public money that he gets DVDs made of himself talking about value for public money.

Now how to pay for those DVDs.... You have one guess.

Yes, public money.

Who wouldn't want this sort of genuis in charge of the nation's finances?

In the duck house

I won't be throwing any breadcrumbs of comfort to Tory MP Peter Viggers, who claimed for a £1,645 duck house. No. His goose is cooked.

I'm not going to get down off my high horse on this one. (You don't get down off a horse, you get down off a duck.) We can't keep swanning around charging this sort of thing to the taxpayer.

How can I spin up the canard that this is all about Gordon Brown, that we are not as guilty as Labour, if this sort of thing keeps happening?

It's driving me absolutely quackers.


moar funny pictures

Tough on little ticket items

The people of Britain are rightly furious at the way we have been milking our expenses. So I am laying down the law to my party in an act of leadership. Conservative MPs will no longer be allowed to claim for:

-swimming pools
-tennis courts
-chandeliers
-servants (unless absolutely necessary)

There. That should settle it. Anything but touch the subsidised mortgages which are the real money spinner. After all, it is hardly worth being an MP if you can't make a mint in the property market.

Terribly sorry, won't get caught again

Well the stiffs at the Commons standards and privileges committee have given me a bit of a telling off over a bit of harmless influence selling.

Frankly, this is all a bit much. Influence is a limited resource, and the way for the market to allocate it most efficiently is if I sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure Adam Smith would concur - didn't he say to always trust business people to influence legislation because they will have their own profits in mind at the expense of the common good. Something like that.

The Conservative Party has a long and proud tradition of representing the interests of the wealthy above all others. Yes, in recent years we have had a few leaders with inferior origins - Margaret Thatcher, John Thingy, the Foetus, Michael Howard. But even these plebs knew who to sell influence to.

And now we are back on track, representing in me the best and the smuggest the country has to offer, the little people are whining about standards. It is enough to make one lose one's rag a bit.

Er, terribly sorry, won't happen again, honest to goodness.

hat tip: Liberal Review

Half a million well spent I think

My dear readers,

I hope you have noticed the blog redesign reflecting the new values of the new Conservative Party.

You will find the following new features on the new right hand side of the new page:

• The all-important new mission statement
• New resources for reaching out to Labour and the Lib Dems
• The latest news about the Conservative Party

The green and blue colour scheme represents the fusion of the ideals of the Green Party and the Conservative Party. Where the Green Party would make everybody poor to save the planet, and we used to only care about the rich, the new Conservative Party will keep the poor poor, to keep the planet nice for the rich. Or something like that, we're still consulting, obviously.

Cleaning up

Well it is has been a tough few weeks, I can tell you, raising the cash to pay back all the dodgy loans from johnny foriegners before we come clean and put all the sleaze behind us.

Because, make no mistake about it, the Conservative Party is changing and will no longer, as of today, deal in suitcases full of used fivers without going through the proper and above-board money laundering channels.

Our creditors in full:

• Lord Laundering of Belize (£9.6m)
• Lord Beroughen Onne-Vealeuppe of Bahrain (£12.6m)
• Lord Archer of Ford (-£1.2m)
• Lord Voldemort of Harry Potter fame (1m gold galleons)
• Dame Upenamme (£33.5m)

And we will start paying it back as soon as this money arrives. But it is good to have all that cleaned up. Never let it be said we aren't a party of fiscal prudence. I lord it!

Tags: Party Funding, Dodgy Loans, Conservatives