Half a million doctors can't be right

The conservatives will remove half a million people from incapacity benefit. They can work, you see, whatever their doctors say. We know this. We know exactly which half a million people have been misdiagnosed as incapable of working, and are in fact idle layabouts with made up illnesses and disabilities. After all disability is merely a social construct, or something.

How do we know this? How can we identify exactly which half a million people deserve to have their crutches kicked away by their betters? Well it comes from the same place as our deep conviction that we are worthy and destined to be your rulers. I may no longer be his heir, but one ex-prime minister knew just how much better a deep sense of conviction was, than evidence, when justifying what might seem reckless, but with hindsight, erm...

That's enough greenery for now

The new Conservative Party can take much pride in having talked about the environment and adopting a tree logo. But enough is enough. Having done our bit, and frankly riding so high in the polls as we are, we can forget all that stuff, and revert to form. Mind you, we're not in government yet, so don't think you have seen the half of it.

This is not of course our first u-turn on this issue. So now is the time to revisit those green taxes I proposed, and bring them up to date.

This is what I said last time:

• Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
  
• Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
  
• Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
  
• Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
  
• People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]
  

Now you may be asking how one u-turns on a policy that is so vacuous in the first place. Ye of little faith, there is much we can do.

• Cheaper petrol
• More fossil-fuel power stations
• Greater dependence for energy on our Russian friends
• More airports

And it needn't stop there. When you are born smug like me, pissing away other people's future comes naturally. I love it.

Rehearsing the unrehearsed look

OK there has been a lot of confusion recently about my speech. When I said that I would be making it up as I go along, I was not referring to the speech itself, which was of course well prepared as usual, but to conservative policies in general.

By policies, I mean of course the positioning exercises and general mood music we use to test the water and refashion our image.

I haven’t got an autocue and I haven’t got a script, I’ve just got a few notes so it might be a bit messy; but it will be me.

I meant of course that I didn't have a script in front of me, not that the speech was unscripted. A clever bit of spin, don't you think? And it was me. I hired the speechwriter after all.

Here was another bit, did you notice? I bet you think I am proposing lower taxes for married couples with children, right? Wrong. What I am proposing "benefits only a quarter of married couples across the board and, of those, less than 40% actually have dependent children."

I am so clever it hurts, sometimes.

That conference speech in full... (again)

Two years ago I stood on this stage and gave a speech about why I wanted to lead the party. Now I want to lead the country.

[10 minutes standing ovation]

20 years ago I was inspired by a trip to Eastern Europe - the dull uniformity, the lack of freedom.

Every generation of Conservatives has to make again the arguments for freedom, free markets and limited government, because the previous generation of conservatives will always have forgotten them once in government.

Our party has campaigned on the NHS, with no sense of shame.

It is not good enough being a one nation party to open the door - we have to drag the ethnics kicking and screaming into the party. But I am proud to have a muslim woman homophobe in my shadow cabinet.

Change, real change, isn't just about the pence in your pocket. It is understanding how to repackage Conservatism - opposition to change - for the modern media. We are not going to lurch to the left or right, we are going to lurch firmly into the past.

This government is always reannouncing old policies. But you won't catch me having any policies. Brown wants to appeal to the 4% in swing seats. How awful. I'm really shocked at that sort of thing.

People want the politics of belief. And we want them to believe us. That's why we're on the same side.

I believe if you really talk about responsibility, common sense and MySpace, for long enough, people won't notice you have not actually said anything.

Please sign up to 'Am I the only person who doesn't like David Cameron' on Facebook.

[Listeners all miss the next 15 minutes of the speech while they go to facebook and invite all their friends to join the group.]

We will say to Vardy and McDonalds, come into the state sector and drive up standards in our schools. But why isn't this working? Because professional teachers are not deferring to my superior judgement on the use of synthetic phonics. Let's get politicians' micromanagement out of education and get teachers to start doing exactly what I say.

One of the aspirations people still have, and rightly so, is the aspiration to own their own home. And we are going to pretend that minor changes to stamp duty will make a noticeable difference.

Oh and hasn't Brown made a mess of the country's pensions? It must be the biggest pensions disaster since the Tory mis-selling scandal of the 80s.

While our economy is getting richer, in many ways we are not going to get far being too optimistic - no we need to hype up the breakdown of society in order to frighten people into voting for us.

There are a million young people with nothing better to do than join groups on Facebook. Why has Labour done nothing about Facebook? Every day you hear some numpty promoting some Facebook group or other.

What are we going to do? Let's look at what works. In states like Wisconsin in America, where single parents are denied benefits unless they travel hours a day for minimum wage work, and hardly ever see their children. This is how we put families first.

The best welfare system of all? The family. If you think about it, it gives us a chance to wash our hands of the problem completely. And by recognising marriage in the tax system, we can further complicate tax credits, and punish widows and the sinful with evangelical zeal.

Anyway, we've got to scrap those top-down targets and trust the professionals in education the NHS.

The other feature of this Brave New World, is the sense of insecurity we feel, the end of the New World Order. When it comes to Iraq, we all want people to forget our culpability in supporting that war. I've been to Afghanistan for photo-ops with the troops. In this world of danger, the old politics is failing, as Mr Blair said when assaulting civil liberties.

I'm very proud to have Milosovic appeaser Pauline Neville Chamberlain in my shadow cabinet.

But we face new threats like climate change. We need to say that we are the party of sensible green leadership. Then people won't notice that we are doing next to nothing.

On crime, we will not be led by the need for headlines on the six o'clock news. This party is not a PR exercise, and I am going to pretend not to be a PR man any more.

So there you have it. I have told you want I believe today. It's about me. Am I up to it? Yes I am. I had inherited wealth, a privileged upbringing and went to a fantastic public school. But am I smug? I will let you be the judge.

After 10 years of Labour, I am as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more. Everybody go to your window and shout it. So, Mr Brown, call that election. We will fight, but Britain will win.

Hot air tax

As I explained earlier, the conservative party is making noises about a whole range of new green taxes to combat environmental problems that will still be around when our typical members are dead - in the next 5 years or so.

Anyway, one blogger chappie has issued a challenge for somebody to defend the idea of an escalating tax on hot air, so that we can all enjoy a bit of high altitude verbal diarrhoea once or twice a year, but if we keep doing it the cost ratchets up.

Well you must understand that we all (shut up John) appreciate the threat of global warming caused by so many politicians - yes that means you Mr Blair - talking such complete poo the whole time. We in the conservative party are committed to making perfect sense all the time, thus cooling the planet down again.

For the sake of the children

There is one thing that will raise the life chances of a child more than any other. Something the state needs to be sending a clear signal in support of. Something the tax system should recognise and encourage.

Too long we have allowed political correctness to prevent us trumpeting and rewarding with tax incentives something so cruical to the well-being of children and the cohesiveness of society.

It is a state so positive and wonderful that even people who don’t have children should be incentivised to enter it. Because, frankly, without a few extra quid in their pockets, people might never realize how good it is.

But no longer. The Conservative Party is proud to announce that we think the rich have got it right, and we will be encouraging people to be rich, with extra tax allowances especially for the rich.

That conference speech in full...

Well it's been a great week. Now Boris is often saying things that I don't agree with - but I can hardly complain. I don't say much that you lot can agree with.

This week, we have said that we are back in the centre ground of British politics. We've made comforting noises about childcare and that sort of thing.

We've seen some fantastic new candidates, one third of them totty.

Substance isn't producing policy, it is deeper than that. It is knowing what you ought to be saying. It is having a clear idea of how much you want to be in government. I don't think announcing policy is substance. Real substance is sticking to your guns, consistency, not having policy in the long term.

That's why I asked Oliver Leftwing to lead our policy review - because the party will never have the stomach to adopt any of it.

Let's talk about tax. We all know that talking about low taxes is good for votes. But that isn't substance. We're not going to take risks with the economy. We're not going to make promises. Let's face it, we're not going to do anything.

George has also discovered that there is more to the economy than talking about tax. There is also talking about India and China and talking about flying the flag.

Health spending has doubled under Labour. 24 ways to reorganise the NHS. They abolished the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, replacing them with Strategic Primary Care Regional Health Executives. And then changed them all back again. Well I say that was wrong. So I will bring back the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, I think, but that's not a policy.

As we live longer and we grow older we need all sorts of other rubbish. We need to back Social Services which are something to do with meals on wheels I think.

Standing up for your brand, that's what real substance is all about. Not everything Labour has done has been a mistake. Bank of England independence, the Minimum Wage, spin over substance.

12 years ago, there was this energetic young party leader promising to change his party and his country. But he let people down. There's a lesson there.

For too long the big political decisions in this country have been made in the wrong place. On the sofa in Tony Blair's office. We have got to end this arrogant style of government. I want to see policy made in my kitchen in front of the webcam.

I am passionate about the environment. I love the outdoors. Trees. Ahhhh. But we are reaching a tipping point with climate change. But we have the potential within us to keep the SUVs and cheap flights. Well maybe not cheap flights, but cheap enough for the sort of people whose interests we represent.

Government has got to show leadership by setting the right framework. Binding targets for carbon reduction. Tackling climate change is our social responsibility. And we know how serious Conservatives are about social responsibility (wink).

In July I went to Afghanistan to meet the troops and try the local produce. Our mission in Afghanistan is not just morally important, but gives me the opportunity to big up the troops. We love you guys.

The threat we face from terrorism is terrible. I am against it. We won't always play politics with this issue, it is too important. I believe terrorists should be tried for their crimes. And we will ensure this by abolishing the Human Rights Act.

Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. Remember that one? Hug a hoodie.

My grandfather fought on the beaches of Normandy, so there.

When I say we shouldn't have a foreign policy slavish to the US, Tony Blair doesn't agree. He thinks we should have a foreign policy, and I disagree.

Ultimately it is an emotional connection that binds people together. Although our origins and cultures may vary we all share common values. One of the most important ways we make connections is through school. So it would be reasonable to face the issue of faith schools head on. But instead I will continue to support faith schools. And Islam is really great. Maybe we need to keep an eye on muslim faith schools.

The church has said it will admit non-Christians to 20% of places in new faith schools. Well that's 20% at intake, it should be less by the time they graduate obviously. We want muslims schools to do the same, although I wouldn't send my kids there obviously.

We are all in this together. For years we conservatives have talked about rolling back the state, although we never actually did it. We trashed it a bit, if that counts. But that was the past. Now we should talk about rolling forward the frontiers of social conservatism.

Now I'm so bad at looking after my kids that I can empathise with all those useless single parents. But I believe in backing marriage. I'm not naive in thinking the state can actually do anything useful to back marriage. But I do know there's votes in saying you want to back it.

And I support civil partnerships too. Come on clap you buggers, haven't you been briefed on this?

Look at the forces shaping our world. Global trade, economic growth, investment, technology. We must somehow associate all this stuff with ourselves in the minds of voters. We have got to put together one mother of a marketing campaign. The best is yet to come.

I turn if you want to...

...the knave is for turning.

When the Lib Dems proposed green taxes, they got it all wrong. Taxes are not the answer. However, now they are.

Green taxes are an important part of maintaining our natural environment for future generations of landowners to enjoy. So we will introduce taxes on the worst environmental menaces of our age:

• Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
• Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
• Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
• Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
• People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]