Wearing a non-dom

Gosh, well who'd have thought my old pal Lord Ashcroft was a non-dom. I've known for weeks of course which is why I've been defending him for years. Mike Ashcroft is one of us, after all.

Your domicile you see is defined in law as the country you feel the greatest affinity to. Clearly buying an election for the Conservatives is not something you do if you feel affinity for somewhere [are you sure this is right, Michael?].

Andy Coulson has my confidence

It is a sign of how modern and progressive the Conservatives are, that I have a bugger in my inner sanctum.

There's a lot of pious posturing over Andy's criminality, but who among you would not do the same as he? And who among you would not do the same as I and stand by him, if he had some of the material on you that he has on me.

In the duck house

I won't be throwing any breadcrumbs of comfort to Tory MP Peter Viggers, who claimed for a £1,645 duck house. No. His goose is cooked.

I'm not going to get down off my high horse on this one. (You don't get down off a horse, you get down off a duck.) We can't keep swanning around charging this sort of thing to the taxpayer.

How can I spin up the canard that this is all about Gordon Brown, that we are not as guilty as Labour, if this sort of thing keeps happening?

It's driving me absolutely quackers.


moar funny pictures

Tough on little ticket items

The people of Britain are rightly furious at the way we have been milking our expenses. So I am laying down the law to my party in an act of leadership. Conservative MPs will no longer be allowed to claim for:

-swimming pools
-tennis courts
-chandeliers
-servants (unless absolutely necessary)

There. That should settle it. Anything but touch the subsidised mortgages which are the real money spinner. After all, it is hardly worth being an MP if you can't make a mint in the property market.

Terribly sorry, won't get caught again

Well the stiffs at the Commons standards and privileges committee have given me a bit of a telling off over a bit of harmless influence selling.

Frankly, this is all a bit much. Influence is a limited resource, and the way for the market to allocate it most efficiently is if I sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure Adam Smith would concur - didn't he say to always trust business people to influence legislation because they will have their own profits in mind at the expense of the common good. Something like that.

The Conservative Party has a long and proud tradition of representing the interests of the wealthy above all others. Yes, in recent years we have had a few leaders with inferior origins - Margaret Thatcher, John Thingy, the Foetus, Michael Howard. But even these plebs knew who to sell influence to.

And now we are back on track, representing in me the best and the smuggest the country has to offer, the little people are whining about standards. It is enough to make one lose one's rag a bit.

Er, terribly sorry, won't happen again, honest to goodness.

hat tip: Liberal Review

Product Placement

(story, hat tip)

You see the problem with marketing politics these days is that people have stopped watching adverts listening to politicians.

In particular there is a whole demographic that watches the news and takes an interest in politics that advertisers are finding harder than ever to reach.

This is why I have become leader of the Conservatives Party, to re-engage this lost generation. Can't beat the feeling, can't beat the real thing, Coke is it!

We wan't to put money back in the pockets of taxpayers. That's Asda Price!

We must all insulate our homes to fight global warming. If only we knew it how do-it-all do it.

Why should people vote Conservative? Because I'm worth it.

Cleaning up

Well it is has been a tough few weeks, I can tell you, raising the cash to pay back all the dodgy loans from johnny foriegners before we come clean and put all the sleaze behind us.

Because, make no mistake about it, the Conservative Party is changing and will no longer, as of today, deal in suitcases full of used fivers without going through the proper and above-board money laundering channels.

Our creditors in full:

• Lord Laundering of Belize (£9.6m)
• Lord Beroughen Onne-Vealeuppe of Bahrain (£12.6m)
• Lord Archer of Ford (-£1.2m)
• Lord Voldemort of Harry Potter fame (1m gold galleons)
• Dame Upenamme (£33.5m)

And we will start paying it back as soon as this money arrives. But it is good to have all that cleaned up. Never let it be said we aren't a party of fiscal prudence. I lord it!

Tags: Party Funding, Dodgy Loans, Conservatives