A Red Light on Crime

Now listen to me boys and girls, I have had enough of all this talk about my dangerous cycling.

It is vitally important to the health of our democracy that a man can have a private life in the morning before he goes to work in Westminster. We shouldn't have to ask ourselves "shall I be leader of the Conservative Party this afternoon?" No indeed.

Soft on posh thugs, hard on photos of posh thugs

You know I really don't think I will say anything about this, I mean we all did some wild things when we were young, and I think it is only that posh people are entitled to be thugs in their private life without having to worry about whether they will one day go into politics.

Do we really want the sort of politican who spends his youth thinking 'shall I smash up this restaurant? No, it might harm my political career' I should hardly need to ask.

No, we want the sort of peron who will show their mettle. Who knows what privilege is for and puts it to interesting uses. Who isn't afraid of getting a little carried away now and then so long as nobody is hurt who really matters.

Wossy

I'm sure you all saw my huge success on the Jonothan Ross programme at the BBC. I came across as exactly the sort of hip young thing that appeals to hip young voters these days. My master stroke was giggling along as Mr Ross and his other guest the actor Mr Bruce Rillis were saying "fuck".

But not all the success is of my doing, for once. Mr Ross observed that neither he nor I knew what my policies were - creating an intimate fraternal bond between us, and thereby between me and Mr Ross's viewers and listeners.

As to the question of whether I had sexual fantasies about Mrs Thatcher... all I can say is that I had a normal student experience.

Arthur Elrond Cameron

I was speaking to a young man the other day - the sort we in the Conservative Party are reaching out to - I think it was in the high street, by Games Workshop, discussing what young people feel strongly about these days. He was unequivocal: the elves did not belong at Helm's Deep. My views exactly. It just goes to show how in touch with young people the modern Conservative Party is.