That's enough greenery for now

The new Conservative Party can take much pride in having talked about the environment and adopting a tree logo. But enough is enough. Having done our bit, and frankly riding so high in the polls as we are, we can forget all that stuff, and revert to form. Mind you, we're not in government yet, so don't think you have seen the half of it.

This is not of course our first u-turn on this issue. So now is the time to revisit those green taxes I proposed, and bring them up to date.

This is what I said last time:

• Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
  
• Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
  
• Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
  
• Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
  
• People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]
  

Now you may be asking how one u-turns on a policy that is so vacuous in the first place. Ye of little faith, there is much we can do.

• Cheaper petrol
• More fossil-fuel power stations
• Greater dependence for energy on our Russian friends
• More airports

And it needn't stop there. When you are born smug like me, pissing away other people's future comes naturally. I love it.

Hot air tax

As I explained earlier, the conservative party is making noises about a whole range of new green taxes to combat environmental problems that will still be around when our typical members are dead - in the next 5 years or so.

Anyway, one blogger chappie has issued a challenge for somebody to defend the idea of an escalating tax on hot air, so that we can all enjoy a bit of high altitude verbal diarrhoea once or twice a year, but if we keep doing it the cost ratchets up.

Well you must understand that we all (shut up John) appreciate the threat of global warming caused by so many politicians - yes that means you Mr Blair - talking such complete poo the whole time. We in the conservative party are committed to making perfect sense all the time, thus cooling the planet down again.

Beware pale imitations

It looks like some young punk has started a blog called David Cameron In India.

This is an outrageous parody of my actual beliefs that I have been sharing with you on this blog.

Let me explain my real reasons for going to India.

1. If you make noises about being green, it is important to do as much jet-setting as possible or risk upsetting the cheap flight junkies.

2. I couldn't visit anywhere in the EU without people bringing up my disasterous policy on the EPP.

3. And anyway India has a wonderful culture. I've not seen any totem poles yet, but I am still looking.

And of course, most importantly, I am joining the community of young bloggists on the interweb, who will surely all be voting Conservative as a result.

I turn if you want to...

...the knave is for turning.

When the Lib Dems proposed green taxes, they got it all wrong. Taxes are not the answer. However, now they are.

Green taxes are an important part of maintaining our natural environment for future generations of landowners to enjoy. So we will introduce taxes on the worst environmental menaces of our age:

• Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
• Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
• Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
• Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
• People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]

Beyond satire

Many in our party are uncomfortable with our bold steps into the centre ground. I am undaunted.

In order to appeal to the moderate majority in England, we simply have to talk about the things they are interested in. And one of the biggest topics these days is satirising the Conservative Party.

Well I can do it better than they can. And, if I say so myself, having the chauffer drive my bag and shoes, while I cycle, is a masterstroke that no satirist could better. It portrays me as appearing green, while doing nothing of any practical value. It is what everybody is talking about these days. And when the people see that we are talking the same language too, they will vote for us in droves. I love it!

Half Tory, Half Tree-Hugger

So I have been called a half-Tory. What people need to understand is how the Lexus hybrid works.

Firstly, the batteries and electric motor allow the engine to run at efficient speeds, and recapture energy when the brakes are applied. This allows an almost doubling of fuel efficiency. ("Half Tree Hugger")

Secondly, it is twice as big as other cars, halving the fuel efficiency again ("Half Tory"). So let me reassure you, that my Tory half is twice the Tory of anybody else's Tory half.

Ahem, I mean my tree-hugger half is twice... well you know what I mean.

Anyway, the environment is not about a binary choice between hugging trees and cutting them down. We can give them a really big hug and then cut them down.

Tag: hybrid, tree-hugger

Vote blue, go green, in the red and turning yellow

Some of the green lobby tend to look at the environment as a binary choice: you can have either economic growth or a sustainable environment. But the truth is we're at a loss to think of how to deliver either.

But Conservative councils do more recycling, have cleaner streets, host more hunting and shooting, than any Green Party run council anywhere in the country.

We've got to think global, act local. Think green, vote blue. We are not inheriting the earth from our parents, we are borrowing it from future generations of landowners. Remember you're a womble.

I expect every conservative, once a day, to make their own contribution, by picking up a piece of litter, or not flying to the Arctic, or living in a cave for a month and growing turnips. I love it.