Wearing a non-dom

Gosh, well who'd have thought my old pal Lord Ashcroft was a non-dom. I've known for weeks of course which is why I've been defending him for years. Mike Ashcroft is one of us, after all.

Your domicile you see is defined in law as the country you feel the greatest affinity to. Clearly buying an election for the Conservatives is not something you do if you feel affinity for somewhere [are you sure this is right, Michael?].

Style over substance

I hope you like our new billboard campaign

(credit)

And you can see some of the ideas we had along the way here.

Lisbon, slithy toves and an elephant

Millennium elephant explains our difficulties over the Lisbon Treaty

http://millenniumelephant.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-3229-dave-cave-mr-balloon-versus.html

Half a million doctors can't be right

The conservatives will remove half a million people from incapacity benefit. They can work, you see, whatever their doctors say. We know this. We know exactly which half a million people have been misdiagnosed as incapable of working, and are in fact idle layabouts with made up illnesses and disabilities. After all disability is merely a social construct, or something.

How do we know this? How can we identify exactly which half a million people deserve to have their crutches kicked away by their betters? Well it comes from the same place as our deep conviction that we are worthy and destined to be your rulers. I may no longer be his heir, but one ex-prime minister knew just how much better a deep sense of conviction was, than evidence, when justifying what might seem reckless, but with hindsight, erm...

Andy Coulson has my confidence

It is a sign of how modern and progressive the Conservatives are, that I have a bugger in my inner sanctum.

There's a lot of pious posturing over Andy's criminality, but who among you would not do the same as he? And who among you would not do the same as I and stand by him, if he had some of the material on you that he has on me.

Bercow: not one of us

There are some mutterings among my colleagues as to whether John Bercow was a proper Conservative or not. The case against him is quite compelling: supporting disabled children, gay rights, democracy in Burma - these are far from normal Conservative interests. But this is not the whole story. In his defence, he is prone to correcting people's grammar under his breath as they speak.

Of course it would have been preferable to have a Tory establishment speaker like George Young, but this is not the time to undermine the new speaker. No that time is a year or so away.

Many colleagues did not vote for Bercow for no other reason than that he did not have support on both sides of the house. Or is it that he did not have support on both sides of the house because many of my colleagues didn't vote for him. I'm getting a little confused here.

Nevertheless, we have a "clean break" reforming speaker in place, and that is something we are all going to have to keep an eye and a lid on.

I love it - not so much.

Best ever value for money

We all know that shadow chancellor and first-rate mini me, George Osborne cares about getting value for public money. He cares so much about value for public money that he makes speeches on the subject. He cares so much about value for public money that he gets DVDs made of himself talking about value for public money.

Now how to pay for those DVDs.... You have one guess.

Yes, public money.

Who wouldn't want this sort of genuis in charge of the nation's finances?

Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home

One thing I have in common with the common people such as vagrants, is not knowing from day to day where my homes are.

So when asked if I had a fourth home, my best answer was “I don’t think so – not that I can think of.”

Don't make me sound like a prat for not knowing how many houses I've got. That's my job.

ht

In the duck house

I won't be throwing any breadcrumbs of comfort to Tory MP Peter Viggers, who claimed for a £1,645 duck house. No. His goose is cooked.

I'm not going to get down off my high horse on this one. (You don't get down off a horse, you get down off a duck.) We can't keep swanning around charging this sort of thing to the taxpayer.

How can I spin up the canard that this is all about Gordon Brown, that we are not as guilty as Labour, if this sort of thing keeps happening?

It's driving me absolutely quackers.


moar funny pictures

Tough on little ticket items

The people of Britain are rightly furious at the way we have been milking our expenses. So I am laying down the law to my party in an act of leadership. Conservative MPs will no longer be allowed to claim for:

-swimming pools
-tennis courts
-chandeliers
-servants (unless absolutely necessary)

There. That should settle it. Anything but touch the subsidised mortgages which are the real money spinner. After all, it is hardly worth being an MP if you can't make a mint in the property market.

Our answer to the recession: stop spending

In order to stimulate the economy during a recession, it is always best to encourage people to stop spending money and save it instead. [Are you sure about this George?] And so we propose tax cuts for savers. Hooray.

Now the naysayers among you might think that it would be a better stimulus if people went out and spent their money, that saving for a rainy day means spending those savings when you need them. And that tax cuts on income or sales might be more effective.

But let me ask you this. Do you really think we could get it that badly wrong? People of the depth and calibre of George Osborne and myself? Do I really need to say any more?

I’ve got six or seven people in the Shadow Cabinet capable of working in the government. The rest are useless.

Great news. My pals over at the spectator agree that some of my shadow cabinet are cabinet material. Compare this with only a few years ago when none of the tory shadow cabinet were good enough.

As for the rest of them. At least they make me look good by comparison. I love it.

I am Obama

Wicked. It's time for change, innit?

Bruvvers and sisters, my homie Mr Black Obama is the man. And soon I will be the man too.

We can bring about real change in Washington and Westminster. A new broom, not an old hand. Can we fix it? Yes we can! 

Whether it is the south side of Chicago, or the dorm room at Eton (Slytherin house), we have our roots in the community. We two true blues could hardly be more similar. In fact have you ever seen us both in the same place at the same time? There's a reason for that.

George Osborne writes...

My good friend, colleague, and all-round mini-me Gideon Osborne has this to say about the financial crisis:

I didn't get where I am today without knowing that the house will burn down if you don't repair the roof while the sun is shining. I will not beat around the mulberry bush. Gordon Brown is responsible for this. He is the ugly duckling that prevented the goose from laying the golden egg. There's no smoke without a fait accompli worse than death. But every silver lining has a cloud. We Conservatives are a different kettle of fish out of water. Unlike Gordon, I am not an ostrich who buries his head under a bushel. I will leave no worm unturned. I will strike while the bird in the hand is hot. So let's run it up the flagpole and see if the rats desert the sinking ship. The proof of the pudding is a horse of a different colour.

Ladies, and gentlemen, it is never too late for a leopard to change horses in midstream.

(tip, apols)

It's all Gordon's fault

Today I launch my fiercest criticism yet of Gordon Brown's role in causing the current financial crisis.

Mr Brown's strategy has fundementally failed to fix the US sub-prime mortgage market. His regulation of the UK banking sector has been inadequate, and unchanged, despite our repeated calls to make it even more inadequate. [Is this right, George?]

We need change to mend our broken economy. Labour cannot do it because they will not own up to their mistakes. We, on the other hand, never make any mistakes. Thatcher's deregulation in the 80s was completely different, honest.

Mr Brown is a complete and utter failure. New Labour has embraced free market economics without question, without understanding how it works. That's our job.

That conference speech in full...(again, again)

[Check against delivery]

Thankyou. It is great to know that everybody in the party agrees with me. It is not often a party leader can be this smug, or a party this craven.

Today we face a financial crisis. But we will not allow what happened in America to happen here. We will work with the government to pretend that we don't have a parliamentary system in which our "help" is no use.

But we must not hold back in being critical of the mistakes that led to this crisis, except those made under Margaret Thatcher.

The test for a political party is whether it can rise to the challenge of what the Times demands. And the other Murdoch papers.

The reality of government is not something I know anything about, but I will talk as if I did.

Let us be clear why we are talking about Afghanistan, instead of Iraq. It is because we can back the troops mission in Afghanistan 100%. With regards to Iraq we could, at best, equivocate.

And now even we are on the side of the Gurkhas.

These are times of great crisis [extra serious voice]. And people want to know whether their politicians are up to it. It isn't really about policies - which is good for us! It is about values and instincts.

Some people believe the Conservative Party is about freedom. But freedom must be tempered by responsibility. So we Conservatives believe in freedom for the rich, tempered by resposibilities for everybody else.

I know that my party can get it wrong, and sometimes other parties get it right. I hold to some simple principles: strong defence, one rule for some, sound money. Trust your judgement and your colleagues, even Gideon Osborne.

Tony Blair spoke of the 24 hour media world. But this is a country not a television channel. We have some bad policies for our long term future, and I am ready for that.

What matters more than experience, is having the character, and the judgement of of a shallow PR man. Experience is the excuse of everyone who wants to stop change - it was our excuse in 92 and 97, except it was right then.

The risk is not speaking in platitudes, the risk is that people won't mistake platitutes for wisdom.

The tap marked borrowing has been left on for too long. There will be a day of reckoning, but today is not that day.  Cry God for Harry, England and St George.

Gordon Brown has borrowed during the good times, and now the cupboard is bare - just like Lamont and Clarke in the 90s.

We will rein in government borrowing, you know what that means, it means whatever George said on Monday, when nobody was listening (with any luck).

I will ask all my shadow ministers to find extra spending cuts, although we probably won't be in power for two years by when the recession will probably have ended.

I believe in low taxes for the rich. So let me say this to the call centre worker, the hairdresser and the electrician. I know it is your money, and I want to give some of it back to people richer than you. But the real test is whether we can get elected before too many people notice.

Sound money, low taxes for the rich, simple beliefs for simple people. I admire entrepreneurs in bed every night.

I will build a high speed rail network, linking 4 cities, by ending investment in the rest of the network.

Labour think there is no such thing as society. You cannot run a country like that. We should know.

Labour treat people like children - we believe in only treating fat people like children.

In the European elections we will fight to resurrect the long-dead European Constitution by demanding a referendum on it.

The institution I care most about (after my family, the family, the Union, the armed services, the Bullingdon club...) is the NHS. I will talk about it for ages to make that seem plausible.

Some say our society isn't broken. I wonder what world Boris is living in. But is not just the crime, it is angry harsh culture of incivility. Thatcher's generation seems to have abandoned society.

There are those who say that what is required is to be tough on crime. And they are right. But let us all recognise that this only deals with the symptoms. I'm searching here for the right soundbite - something to do with crime and its causes.

The family is the best welfare system there is. That is why we offer tax breaks to those married and childless at the expense of unmarried parents.

After the family comes school, and the chance to talk about my family more. We will allow new schools more freedom, and old schools less freedom.

I'm going to quote some guy representing a spelling reform campaign, as if reformed spelling were actually taught in schools.

Only by failing to reform English spelling are we going to staunch the tide of social breakdown.

And finally, on benefits, we will end the something-for-nothing benefits culture introduced by Margaret Thatcher's extension of incapacity benefit.

This party has changed. This is who we are today, and those who disagree don't understand the power of platitude.

We are not only changed, but united. This means every single member has changed. And if you don't believe that we have a chip to implant in your brain to make you believe it.

Leadership, character, judgement, that is what the country needs now, and I only wish I had them. Thankyou.

Standing together with other parties in a crisis

At a time of financial crisis, we put aside our petty disputes, and form a team with our political opponents to tackle the crisis. I am determined that George Osborne and myself will contribute our ideas to the solution. Nick Clegg and Vince Cable too have their contribution to make. Vince of course was only chief economist at Shell, whereas George here was, er, is, er the Conservative shadow chancellor.

Here's how I see the team's division of labour shaping up:

Alastair Darling will draw up the legislation.

Vince Cable will say what should go in it.

I will cleverly suggest it happens slightly more quickly.

Nick Clegg will put forward relief plans for people in danger of losing their homes.

Gordon Brown will pretend he thought of that.

George Osborne will get the tea and biscuits.


You see this way, everybody's skills get used to the best effect. That's called leadership. I love it!

That's enough greenery for now

The new Conservative Party can take much pride in having talked about the environment and adopting a tree logo. But enough is enough. Having done our bit, and frankly riding so high in the polls as we are, we can forget all that stuff, and revert to form. Mind you, we're not in government yet, so don't think you have seen the half of it.

This is not of course our first u-turn on this issue. So now is the time to revisit those green taxes I proposed, and bring them up to date.

This is what I said last time:

• Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
  
• Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
  
• Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
  
• Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
  
• People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]
  

Now you may be asking how one u-turns on a policy that is so vacuous in the first place. Ye of little faith, there is much we can do.

• Cheaper petrol
• More fossil-fuel power stations
• Greater dependence for energy on our Russian friends
• More airports

And it needn't stop there. When you are born smug like me, pissing away other people's future comes naturally. I love it.

Thou shalt not be morbidly obese

Politicians are too afraid to talk about moral issues today. And so we are facing an epidemic of knife, fork and spoon crime. And the poor. Don't get me started. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a poor man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Some people insist that morality is all about how you treat other people, that you should be free to eat and drink what you want. Not the Conservatives - we believe in damning you for your lifestyle choices. And we've never much liked the idea of treating plebs humanely, so we've got to have something to attach to the label "immoral" we so like using.

Public figures should not be afraid to use the concepts of right and wrong wrongly. Without the wrong idea of right and wrong, people might not always blame the victims. They might want the state to do its bit to give opportunities to people trying to lift themselves up. Don't they understand that we just talk about personal responsibility.

No, people shouldn't believe that the state will even try to solve their problems, because it won't. Not if I have anything to do with it. Personal responsibility means that we successful people can be smug about it. And if you are hard-working and remain poor or fat, there must be some reason for that, that we can still be smug about.

Farewell then, David Davis

Dear David,

Thankyou for all the hard work you have given to this party all these years. We all admire your principled stance on 42 days. A courageous move, as Sir Humphrey would have said.

It was perhaps a bit much for you to suggest that we should promise to repeal the measure once we are elected. You see that would be quite different. If we are in government, then more power for the state is all grist to the mill. It is only under Labour that these powers are dangerous.

You really shouldn't take all that "Liberal Conservative" stuff to heart. The words are opposites, you know; have you not read Hayek?

We wish you all the best in your by-election campaign, and hope to have you back in our parliamentary party soon. Or that MacKenzie fellow.

Best wishes,

Dave