Terribly sorry, won't get caught again

Well the stiffs at the Commons standards and privileges committee have given me a bit of a telling off over a bit of harmless influence selling.

Frankly, this is all a bit much. Influence is a limited resource, and the way for the market to allocate it most efficiently is if I sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure Adam Smith would concur - didn't he say to always trust business people to influence legislation because they will have their own profits in mind at the expense of the common good. Something like that.

The Conservative Party has a long and proud tradition of representing the interests of the wealthy above all others. Yes, in recent years we have had a few leaders with inferior origins - Margaret Thatcher, John Thingy, the Foetus, Michael Howard. But even these plebs knew who to sell influence to.

And now we are back on track, representing in me the best and the smuggest the country has to offer, the little people are whining about standards. It is enough to make one lose one's rag a bit.

Er, terribly sorry, won't happen again, honest to goodness.

hat tip: Liberal Review

Half a million well spent I think

My dear readers,

I hope you have noticed the blog redesign reflecting the new values of the new Conservative Party.

You will find the following new features on the new right hand side of the new page:

• The all-important new mission statement
• New resources for reaching out to Labour and the Lib Dems
• The latest news about the Conservative Party

The green and blue colour scheme represents the fusion of the ideals of the Green Party and the Conservative Party. Where the Green Party would make everybody poor to save the planet, and we used to only care about the rich, the new Conservative Party will keep the poor poor, to keep the planet nice for the rich. Or something like that, we're still consulting, obviously.

Hot air tax

As I explained earlier, the conservative party is making noises about a whole range of new green taxes to combat environmental problems that will still be around when our typical members are dead - in the next 5 years or so.

Anyway, one blogger chappie has issued a challenge for somebody to defend the idea of an escalating tax on hot air, so that we can all enjoy a bit of high altitude verbal diarrhoea once or twice a year, but if we keep doing it the cost ratchets up.

Well you must understand that we all (shut up John) appreciate the threat of global warming caused by so many politicians - yes that means you Mr Blair - talking such complete poo the whole time. We in the conservative party are committed to making perfect sense all the time, thus cooling the planet down again.

Soft on posh thugs, hard on photos of posh thugs

You know I really don't think I will say anything about this, I mean we all did some wild things when we were young, and I think it is only that posh people are entitled to be thugs in their private life without having to worry about whether they will one day go into politics.

Do we really want the sort of politican who spends his youth thinking 'shall I smash up this restaurant? No, it might harm my political career' I should hardly need to ask.

No, we want the sort of peron who will show their mettle. Who knows what privilege is for and puts it to interesting uses. Who isn't afraid of getting a little carried away now and then so long as nobody is hurt who really matters.

For the sake of the children

There is one thing that will raise the life chances of a child more than any other. Something the state needs to be sending a clear signal in support of. Something the tax system should recognise and encourage.

Too long we have allowed political correctness to prevent us trumpeting and rewarding with tax incentives something so cruical to the well-being of children and the cohesiveness of society.

It is a state so positive and wonderful that even people who don’t have children should be incentivised to enter it. Because, frankly, without a few extra quid in their pockets, people might never realize how good it is.

But no longer. The Conservative Party is proud to announce that we think the rich have got it right, and we will be encouraging people to be rich, with extra tax allowances especially for the rich.

Whisper it quietly

Apparently I am "turning down the volume" on the party's core beliefs until they are inaudible. Mr Leigh asks "Why after a year of his leadership are we only one point ahead of where we were at the start?"

Well I am grateful for the opportunity to clarify the situation. You see the Conservatives no longer stand for rampaging ahead in the opinion polls like the nasty, competitive Conservatives of old. We think it would be much better if we could all get along, if we aspired to being a bit more popular than the other parties, but not too much more. We don't want to behave as if we really thought we were right about things.

After all, saying all this centrist rubbish is hard enough, but acting like we thought we were right about it.... no, sorry, that is beneath even me.

Relative Poverty

Hello again. Sorry to have neglected you lately, but I have been awfully busy giving the Conservative Party, or New Con as I like to call it sometimes, a jolly good shake up.

The news is that we are now against relative poverty. Relative poverty is an absolutely frightful thing, even the finest and most noble families in the land can find they have a cousin or two who is actually quite badly off.

That conference speech in full...

Well it's been a great week. Now Boris is often saying things that I don't agree with - but I can hardly complain. I don't say much that you lot can agree with.

This week, we have said that we are back in the centre ground of British politics. We've made comforting noises about childcare and that sort of thing.

We've seen some fantastic new candidates, one third of them totty.

Substance isn't producing policy, it is deeper than that. It is knowing what you ought to be saying. It is having a clear idea of how much you want to be in government. I don't think announcing policy is substance. Real substance is sticking to your guns, consistency, not having policy in the long term.

That's why I asked Oliver Leftwing to lead our policy review - because the party will never have the stomach to adopt any of it.

Let's talk about tax. We all know that talking about low taxes is good for votes. But that isn't substance. We're not going to take risks with the economy. We're not going to make promises. Let's face it, we're not going to do anything.

George has also discovered that there is more to the economy than talking about tax. There is also talking about India and China and talking about flying the flag.

Health spending has doubled under Labour. 24 ways to reorganise the NHS. They abolished the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, replacing them with Strategic Primary Care Regional Health Executives. And then changed them all back again. Well I say that was wrong. So I will bring back the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, I think, but that's not a policy.

As we live longer and we grow older we need all sorts of other rubbish. We need to back Social Services which are something to do with meals on wheels I think.

Standing up for your brand, that's what real substance is all about. Not everything Labour has done has been a mistake. Bank of England independence, the Minimum Wage, spin over substance.

12 years ago, there was this energetic young party leader promising to change his party and his country. But he let people down. There's a lesson there.

For too long the big political decisions in this country have been made in the wrong place. On the sofa in Tony Blair's office. We have got to end this arrogant style of government. I want to see policy made in my kitchen in front of the webcam.

I am passionate about the environment. I love the outdoors. Trees. Ahhhh. But we are reaching a tipping point with climate change. But we have the potential within us to keep the SUVs and cheap flights. Well maybe not cheap flights, but cheap enough for the sort of people whose interests we represent.

Government has got to show leadership by setting the right framework. Binding targets for carbon reduction. Tackling climate change is our social responsibility. And we know how serious Conservatives are about social responsibility (wink).

In July I went to Afghanistan to meet the troops and try the local produce. Our mission in Afghanistan is not just morally important, but gives me the opportunity to big up the troops. We love you guys.

The threat we face from terrorism is terrible. I am against it. We won't always play politics with this issue, it is too important. I believe terrorists should be tried for their crimes. And we will ensure this by abolishing the Human Rights Act.

Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. Remember that one? Hug a hoodie.

My grandfather fought on the beaches of Normandy, so there.

When I say we shouldn't have a foreign policy slavish to the US, Tony Blair doesn't agree. He thinks we should have a foreign policy, and I disagree.

Ultimately it is an emotional connection that binds people together. Although our origins and cultures may vary we all share common values. One of the most important ways we make connections is through school. So it would be reasonable to face the issue of faith schools head on. But instead I will continue to support faith schools. And Islam is really great. Maybe we need to keep an eye on muslim faith schools.

The church has said it will admit non-Christians to 20% of places in new faith schools. Well that's 20% at intake, it should be less by the time they graduate obviously. We want muslims schools to do the same, although I wouldn't send my kids there obviously.

We are all in this together. For years we conservatives have talked about rolling back the state, although we never actually did it. We trashed it a bit, if that counts. But that was the past. Now we should talk about rolling forward the frontiers of social conservatism.

Now I'm so bad at looking after my kids that I can empathise with all those useless single parents. But I believe in backing marriage. I'm not naive in thinking the state can actually do anything useful to back marriage. But I do know there's votes in saying you want to back it.

And I support civil partnerships too. Come on clap you buggers, haven't you been briefed on this?

Look at the forces shaping our world. Global trade, economic growth, investment, technology. We must somehow associate all this stuff with ourselves in the minds of voters. We have got to put together one mother of a marketing campaign. The best is yet to come.

Webcameraon

It's so exciting that young bloggists on the interweb are following my example. We are setting a trend here ladies and gentlemen. Mr Will Howells here is just the sort of young dynamic person that puts across real Conservative values so well. Expect to see him on the A list before long. Tag: Webcameron

Look at me! I'm doing the washing up.

Isn't this a great way of communicating directly to people that I do my own washing up and talk to my own children ("In a minute, darling").

Now I'm sure the mangle is round here somewhere.

How to identify trees from large distance. Number 8: The scribble

If you imagine the green represents the ideas flowing forth from a young new young party leader like myself, you will see that it looks very green, and while it originates somewhere on the right, it is blowing quite emphatically towards the left. The whole structure, however still leans to the right. Quite brilliant. Several kilos of cocaine well spent, I think.

Dear Tony

Dear Tony,

I have served as your heir for some time now. My loyalty to you, and to the values we share has been unswerving. The struggle to fashion a political party, or two, of the socially conservative, neo-con authoritarian centre-right has been your preoccupation and mine for as long as I can remember.

We have revolutionised the lives and expectations of millions of management consultants and marketing types. Your leadership, and mine, has been visionary and remarkable.

So it is with the greatest sadness that I can no longer remain your heir, as it appears that you are turning into a bit of a loser.

I share the view of the overwhelming majority of my party that I would do better to rebrand myself as the successor to your successor. Not the heir to Blair, but, perhaps, the crown to Brown.

For the sake of my electoral prospects, I urge you to reconsider your determination to leave office. I do not believe that statements so far give us the lack of clarity necessary to bury the Labour Party over the next year.

It is with the greatest regret, therefore, that I must end our alliance.

Yours, no longer,

Dave

see also, hat tip

Beware pale imitations

It looks like some young punk has started a blog called David Cameron In India.

This is an outrageous parody of my actual beliefs that I have been sharing with you on this blog.

Let me explain my real reasons for going to India.

1. If you make noises about being green, it is important to do as much jet-setting as possible or risk upsetting the cheap flight junkies.

2. I couldn't visit anywhere in the EU without people bringing up my disasterous policy on the EPP.

3. And anyway India has a wonderful culture. I've not seen any totem poles yet, but I am still looking.

And of course, most importantly, I am joining the community of young bloggists on the interweb, who will surely all be voting Conservative as a result.

I turn if you want to...

...the knave is for turning.

When the Lib Dems proposed green taxes, they got it all wrong. Taxes are not the answer. However, now they are.

Green taxes are an important part of maintaining our natural environment for future generations of landowners to enjoy. So we will introduce taxes on the worst environmental menaces of our age:

• Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
• Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
• Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
• Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
• People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]

Built to come last

Before I start today, can I recommend the marvellous blog of Mr Dome, who I think is a friend of one of my campaign chaps, Mr Luntz.

Astute readers will notice that I have already launched the New Tory aims and values, in Feburary, see here. However nobody really paid much attention, and we got it quite wrong, so I thought we would have another go.

So here is my new new statement of new new values:

• Make positive noises about Lib Dem values, Labour values, Green values
  
• Avoid committing to anything
  
• Make some noises calculated to maintain the dissent among Tories at a manageable level
  
• Avoid committing to anything
  
• If asked any difficult questions, lose one's rag a bit

Detractors may scoff, but it is actually quite difficult to put something together that sounds like a real policy commitment. Lets take our promise of binding targets for carbon emissions, for example. Sounds great, doesn't it? But binding on who? Everyone who emits carbon? Who knows, and frankly, who cares?

Product Placement

(story, hat tip)

You see the problem with marketing politics these days is that people have stopped watching adverts listening to politicians.

In particular there is a whole demographic that watches the news and takes an interest in politics that advertisers are finding harder than ever to reach.

This is why I have become leader of the Conservatives Party, to re-engage this lost generation. Can't beat the feeling, can't beat the real thing, Coke is it!

We wan't to put money back in the pockets of taxpayers. That's Asda Price!

We must all insulate our homes to fight global warming. If only we knew it how do-it-all do it.

Why should people vote Conservative? Because I'm worth it.

EPP off

I'm proud to announce my success in making plans to set up a new parliamentary group in the European Parliament, in the fullness of time. The new group will represent the modern progressive regressive forward and backward looking left-liberal eurosceptic right-wing, attracting support from the following European sister parties:

• Poland: The rabidly homophobic Law and Justice Party (7 MEPs)
• Estonia: Revolutionary Communist (Reformed) Party (1 MEP)
• Slovenia: Bread and Windmills Alliance (1 MEP)
• Finland: End the ban on using a Nokia while sledging Party (1 MEP)
• Ireland: Fine Mess (1 MEP)
• Netherlands: Cyclists and Chauffeurs alliance (1 MEP)

I know some readers will be disappointed that we are not leaving the EPP any sooner. However upon meeting the formidable German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a profound impression was made upon me. All I can say is that Mrs T has competition. Don't let me appear on Jonothan Ross again.

Tag: EPP

Wossy

I'm sure you all saw my huge success on the Jonothan Ross programme at the BBC. I came across as exactly the sort of hip young thing that appeals to hip young voters these days. My master stroke was giggling along as Mr Ross and his other guest the actor Mr Bruce Rillis were saying "fuck".

But not all the success is of my doing, for once. Mr Ross observed that neither he nor I knew what my policies were - creating an intimate fraternal bond between us, and thereby between me and Mr Ross's viewers and listeners.

As to the question of whether I had sexual fantasies about Mrs Thatcher... all I can say is that I had a normal student experience.

The Forsyth Protocol

I know Fred is unhappy that we have not yet got around to allying our MEPs with the rabidly homophobic Law and Justice party of Poland. We tried sending Theresa May over to talk to them, but they told her that she belonged in the kitchen.

But Freddie must understand that when you are not the front runner in an electoral contest you have to go the extra mile to say things that will appeal to the electorate. There isn't, after all, much danger of winning, and if you do win, you can always renege. My advice to Fred is this: see what promises I make to the electorate before you start demanding that I keep the promise I made to the Conservatives. You wouldn't want to set a precedent!

Tangled up in Blue

Many requests for the full words to that Bob Dylan song Tangled up in Blue, I had on Desert Island Discs, so here they are...

Early one mornin' the sun was shinin',
I was lyin' to you
Wond'rin' if she'd changed at all
If her hair was still blue.
The folks they said our politics
Sure was gonna be nasty
They never did like Mama's finishing school
Papa'd never eaten a pasty.
And I was standin' on the side of the road
Rain fallin' on my shoes
Heading out for the Right Wing
Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,
Tangled up in blue.

She was Prime Minister when we first met
Soon to be cut to size
I helped her out with PR, I guess,
But I used a little too many lies.
We lurched to the right as far as we could
Privatized with zest
Split up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best.
She turned around to look at me
As I was holdin' the blade
I heard her say over my shoulder,
"My legacy won't fade on the avenue,"
Tangled up in blue.

I had a job in the marketing game
Snorting the coke real well
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the ax just fell.
So I drifted down to parliament
Where I happened to be employed
Workin' for a while on a manifesto
For the vampire boy.
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind,
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind, and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.

She was dozin' in a sunlit place
And I stopped in to be anointed,
I just kept lookin' at the side of her face
Her questions to me were pointed.
And later on as the crowd thinned out
I's just about to do the same,
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me, "Don't I know your game?"
I muttered somethin' underneath my breath,
She studied the lines on my face.
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she tol' me to tie the laces of my shoe,
Tangled up in blue.

She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
"I thought you'd never get this far," she said
"You look like the shallow type."
Then she opened up a book of prose
And handed it to me
Written by a scottish guy
From the eighteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin' coal
Pourin' off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.

I lived with them on Montague Street
With A-listers dim and tarty
There was a chameleon on the television
And revolution in the party.
Then we started into making policies
And that's where it all went wrong.
We didn't know what its all about
Just like this song
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn,
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew,
Tangled up in blue.

So now I'm goin' back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now.
Some are politicians
Some are Conservative wives.
Don't know how it all got started,
I don't know what they're doin' with their lives.
But me, I'm still on the road
Headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.

Tags: Bob Dylan, Tangled Up in Blue, Desert Island Discs, David Cameron