Hello again. Sorry to have neglected you lately, but I have been awfully busy giving the Conservative Party, or New Con as I like to call it sometimes, a jolly good shake up.
The news is that we are now against relative poverty. Relative poverty is an absolutely frightful thing, even the finest and most noble families in the land can find they have a cousin or two who is actually quite badly off.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
That conference speech in full...
Well it's been a great week. Now Boris is often saying things that I don't agree with - but I can hardly complain. I don't say much that you lot can agree with.
This week, we have said that we are back in the centre ground of British politics. We've made comforting noises about childcare and that sort of thing.
We've seen some fantastic new candidates, one third of them totty.
Substance isn't producing policy, it is deeper than that. It is knowing what you ought to be saying. It is having a clear idea of how much you want to be in government. I don't think announcing policy is substance. Real substance is sticking to your guns, consistency, not having policy in the long term.
That's why I asked Oliver Leftwing to lead our policy review - because the party will never have the stomach to adopt any of it.
Let's talk about tax. We all know that talking about low taxes is good for votes. But that isn't substance. We're not going to take risks with the economy. We're not going to make promises. Let's face it, we're not going to do anything.
George has also discovered that there is more to the economy than talking about tax. There is also talking about India and China and talking about flying the flag.
Health spending has doubled under Labour. 24 ways to reorganise the NHS. They abolished the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, replacing them with Strategic Primary Care Regional Health Executives. And then changed them all back again. Well I say that was wrong. So I will bring back the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, I think, but that's not a policy.
As we live longer and we grow older we need all sorts of other rubbish. We need to back Social Services which are something to do with meals on wheels I think.
Standing up for your brand, that's what real substance is all about. Not everything Labour has done has been a mistake. Bank of England independence, the Minimum Wage, spin over substance.
12 years ago, there was this energetic young party leader promising to change his party and his country. But he let people down. There's a lesson there.
For too long the big political decisions in this country have been made in the wrong place. On the sofa in Tony Blair's office. We have got to end this arrogant style of government. I want to see policy made in my kitchen in front of the webcam.
I am passionate about the environment. I love the outdoors. Trees. Ahhhh. But we are reaching a tipping point with climate change. But we have the potential within us to keep the SUVs and cheap flights. Well maybe not cheap flights, but cheap enough for the sort of people whose interests we represent.
Government has got to show leadership by setting the right framework. Binding targets for carbon reduction. Tackling climate change is our social responsibility. And we know how serious Conservatives are about social responsibility (wink).
In July I went to Afghanistan to meet the troops and try the local produce. Our mission in Afghanistan is not just morally important, but gives me the opportunity to big up the troops. We love you guys.
The threat we face from terrorism is terrible. I am against it. We won't always play politics with this issue, it is too important. I believe terrorists should be tried for their crimes. And we will ensure this by abolishing the Human Rights Act.
Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. Remember that one? Hug a hoodie.
My grandfather fought on the beaches of Normandy, so there.
When I say we shouldn't have a foreign policy slavish to the US, Tony Blair doesn't agree. He thinks we should have a foreign policy, and I disagree.
Ultimately it is an emotional connection that binds people together. Although our origins and cultures may vary we all share common values. One of the most important ways we make connections is through school. So it would be reasonable to face the issue of faith schools head on. But instead I will continue to support faith schools. And Islam is really great. Maybe we need to keep an eye on muslim faith schools.
The church has said it will admit non-Christians to 20% of places in new faith schools. Well that's 20% at intake, it should be less by the time they graduate obviously. We want muslims schools to do the same, although I wouldn't send my kids there obviously.
We are all in this together. For years we conservatives have talked about rolling back the state, although we never actually did it. We trashed it a bit, if that counts. But that was the past. Now we should talk about rolling forward the frontiers of social conservatism.
Now I'm so bad at looking after my kids that I can empathise with all those useless single parents. But I believe in backing marriage. I'm not naive in thinking the state can actually do anything useful to back marriage. But I do know there's votes in saying you want to back it.
And I support civil partnerships too. Come on clap you buggers, haven't you been briefed on this?
Look at the forces shaping our world. Global trade, economic growth, investment, technology. We must somehow associate all this stuff with ourselves in the minds of voters. We have got to put together one mother of a marketing campaign. The best is yet to come.
This week, we have said that we are back in the centre ground of British politics. We've made comforting noises about childcare and that sort of thing.
We've seen some fantastic new candidates, one third of them totty.
Substance isn't producing policy, it is deeper than that. It is knowing what you ought to be saying. It is having a clear idea of how much you want to be in government. I don't think announcing policy is substance. Real substance is sticking to your guns, consistency, not having policy in the long term.
That's why I asked Oliver Leftwing to lead our policy review - because the party will never have the stomach to adopt any of it.
Let's talk about tax. We all know that talking about low taxes is good for votes. But that isn't substance. We're not going to take risks with the economy. We're not going to make promises. Let's face it, we're not going to do anything.
George has also discovered that there is more to the economy than talking about tax. There is also talking about India and China and talking about flying the flag.
Health spending has doubled under Labour. 24 ways to reorganise the NHS. They abolished the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, replacing them with Strategic Primary Care Regional Health Executives. And then changed them all back again. Well I say that was wrong. So I will bring back the Regional Strategic Health Primary Care Trusts, I think, but that's not a policy.
As we live longer and we grow older we need all sorts of other rubbish. We need to back Social Services which are something to do with meals on wheels I think.
Standing up for your brand, that's what real substance is all about. Not everything Labour has done has been a mistake. Bank of England independence, the Minimum Wage, spin over substance.
12 years ago, there was this energetic young party leader promising to change his party and his country. But he let people down. There's a lesson there.
For too long the big political decisions in this country have been made in the wrong place. On the sofa in Tony Blair's office. We have got to end this arrogant style of government. I want to see policy made in my kitchen in front of the webcam.
I am passionate about the environment. I love the outdoors. Trees. Ahhhh. But we are reaching a tipping point with climate change. But we have the potential within us to keep the SUVs and cheap flights. Well maybe not cheap flights, but cheap enough for the sort of people whose interests we represent.
Government has got to show leadership by setting the right framework. Binding targets for carbon reduction. Tackling climate change is our social responsibility. And we know how serious Conservatives are about social responsibility (wink).
In July I went to Afghanistan to meet the troops and try the local produce. Our mission in Afghanistan is not just morally important, but gives me the opportunity to big up the troops. We love you guys.
The threat we face from terrorism is terrible. I am against it. We won't always play politics with this issue, it is too important. I believe terrorists should be tried for their crimes. And we will ensure this by abolishing the Human Rights Act.
Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. Remember that one? Hug a hoodie.
My grandfather fought on the beaches of Normandy, so there.
When I say we shouldn't have a foreign policy slavish to the US, Tony Blair doesn't agree. He thinks we should have a foreign policy, and I disagree.
Ultimately it is an emotional connection that binds people together. Although our origins and cultures may vary we all share common values. One of the most important ways we make connections is through school. So it would be reasonable to face the issue of faith schools head on. But instead I will continue to support faith schools. And Islam is really great. Maybe we need to keep an eye on muslim faith schools.
The church has said it will admit non-Christians to 20% of places in new faith schools. Well that's 20% at intake, it should be less by the time they graduate obviously. We want muslims schools to do the same, although I wouldn't send my kids there obviously.
We are all in this together. For years we conservatives have talked about rolling back the state, although we never actually did it. We trashed it a bit, if that counts. But that was the past. Now we should talk about rolling forward the frontiers of social conservatism.
Now I'm so bad at looking after my kids that I can empathise with all those useless single parents. But I believe in backing marriage. I'm not naive in thinking the state can actually do anything useful to back marriage. But I do know there's votes in saying you want to back it.
And I support civil partnerships too. Come on clap you buggers, haven't you been briefed on this?
Look at the forces shaping our world. Global trade, economic growth, investment, technology. We must somehow associate all this stuff with ourselves in the minds of voters. We have got to put together one mother of a marketing campaign. The best is yet to come.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Webcameraon
| It's so exciting that young bloggists on the interweb are following my example. We are setting a trend here ladies and gentlemen. Mr Will Howells here is just the sort of young dynamic person that puts across real Conservative values so well. Expect to see him on the A list before long. Tag: Webcameron | |
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Look at me! I'm doing the washing up.
Isn't this a great way of communicating directly to people that I do my own washing up and talk to my own children ("In a minute, darling").
Now I'm sure the mangle is round here somewhere.
Now I'm sure the mangle is round here somewhere.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
How to identify trees from large distance. Number 8: The scribble
If you imagine the green represents the ideas flowing forth from a young new young party leader like myself, you will see that it looks very green, and while it originates somewhere on the right, it is blowing quite emphatically towards the left. The whole structure, however still leans to the right. Quite brilliant. Several kilos of cocaine well spent, I think.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Dear Tony
Dear Tony,
I have served as your heir for some time now. My loyalty to you, and to the values we share has been unswerving. The struggle to fashion a political party, or two, of the socially conservative, neo-con authoritarian centre-right has been your preoccupation and mine for as long as I can remember.
We have revolutionised the lives and expectations of millions of management consultants and marketing types. Your leadership, and mine, has been visionary and remarkable.
So it is with the greatest sadness that I can no longer remain your heir, as it appears that you are turning into a bit of a loser.
I share the view of the overwhelming majority of my party that I would do better to rebrand myself as the successor to your successor. Not the heir to Blair, but, perhaps, the crown to Brown.
For the sake of my electoral prospects, I urge you to reconsider your determination to leave office. I do not believe that statements so far give us the lack of clarity necessary to bury the Labour Party over the next year.
It is with the greatest regret, therefore, that I must end our alliance.
Yours, no longer,
Dave
see also, hat tip
I have served as your heir for some time now. My loyalty to you, and to the values we share has been unswerving. The struggle to fashion a political party, or two, of the socially conservative, neo-con authoritarian centre-right has been your preoccupation and mine for as long as I can remember.
We have revolutionised the lives and expectations of millions of management consultants and marketing types. Your leadership, and mine, has been visionary and remarkable.
So it is with the greatest sadness that I can no longer remain your heir, as it appears that you are turning into a bit of a loser.
I share the view of the overwhelming majority of my party that I would do better to rebrand myself as the successor to your successor. Not the heir to Blair, but, perhaps, the crown to Brown.
For the sake of my electoral prospects, I urge you to reconsider your determination to leave office. I do not believe that statements so far give us the lack of clarity necessary to bury the Labour Party over the next year.
It is with the greatest regret, therefore, that I must end our alliance.
Yours, no longer,
Dave
see also, hat tip
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Beware pale imitations
It looks like some young punk has started a blog called David Cameron In India.
This is an outrageous parody of my actual beliefs that I have been sharing with you on this blog.
Let me explain my real reasons for going to India.
1. If you make noises about being green, it is important to do as much jet-setting as possible or risk upsetting the cheap flight junkies.
2. I couldn't visit anywhere in the EU without people bringing up my disasterous policy on the EPP.
3. And anyway India has a wonderful culture. I've not seen any totem poles yet, but I am still looking.
And of course, most importantly, I am joining the community of young bloggists on the interweb, who will surely all be voting Conservative as a result.
This is an outrageous parody of my actual beliefs that I have been sharing with you on this blog.
Let me explain my real reasons for going to India.
1. If you make noises about being green, it is important to do as much jet-setting as possible or risk upsetting the cheap flight junkies.
2. I couldn't visit anywhere in the EU without people bringing up my disasterous policy on the EPP.
3. And anyway India has a wonderful culture. I've not seen any totem poles yet, but I am still looking.
And of course, most importantly, I am joining the community of young bloggists on the interweb, who will surely all be voting Conservative as a result.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
I turn if you want to...
...the knave is for turning.
When the Lib Dems proposed green taxes, they got it all wrong. Taxes are not the answer. However, now they are.
Green taxes are an important part of maintaining our natural environment for future generations of landowners to enjoy. So we will introduce taxes on the worst environmental menaces of our age:
When the Lib Dems proposed green taxes, they got it all wrong. Taxes are not the answer. However, now they are.
Green taxes are an important part of maintaining our natural environment for future generations of landowners to enjoy. So we will introduce taxes on the worst environmental menaces of our age:
- Tramps and beggars are an eyesore. Our new Tramp Duty of 2.5% will discourage them.
- Plebs with their rustly little cars spoil traditional English villages. The Hatchback Tax will put a stop to that.
- Windmills ruin the view. Our Fossil Fuel Obligation will reduce them.
- Hosepipe bans are a menace to lawns everywhere. We will start a hosepipe incentive scheme.
- People who have their cars follow them when they cycle are, er [are you sure about this one, George?]
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Built to come last
Before I start today, can I recommend the marvellous blog of Mr Dome, who I think is a friend of one of my campaign chaps, Mr Luntz.
Astute readers will notice that I have already launched the New Tory aims and values, in Feburary, see here. However nobody really paid much attention, and we got it quite wrong, so I thought we would have another go.
So here is my new new statement of new new values:
Astute readers will notice that I have already launched the New Tory aims and values, in Feburary, see here. However nobody really paid much attention, and we got it quite wrong, so I thought we would have another go.
So here is my new new statement of new new values:
- Make positive noises about Lib Dem values, Labour values, Green values
- Avoid committing to anything
- Make some noises calculated to maintain the dissent among Tories at a manageable level
- Avoid committing to anything
- If asked any difficult questions, lose one's rag a bit
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Product Placement
(story, hat tip)
You see the problem withmarketing politics these days is that people have stopped watching adverts listening to politicians.
In particular there is a whole demographic that watches the news and takes an interest in politics that advertisers are finding harder than ever to reach.
This is why I have become leader of the Conservatives Party, to re-engage this lost generation. Can't beat the feeling, can't beat the real thing, Coke is it!
We wan't to put money back in the pockets of taxpayers. That's Asda Price!
We must all insulate our homes to fight global warming. If only we knew it how do-it-all do it.
Why should people vote Conservative? Because I'm worth it.
You see the problem with
In particular there is a whole demographic that watches the news and takes an interest in politics that advertisers are finding harder than ever to reach.
This is why I have become leader of the Conservatives Party, to re-engage this lost generation. Can't beat the feeling, can't beat the real thing, Coke is it!
We wan't to put money back in the pockets of taxpayers. That's Asda Price!
We must all insulate our homes to fight global warming. If only we knew it how do-it-all do it.
Why should people vote Conservative? Because I'm worth it.
Friday, July 14, 2006
EPP off
I'm proud to announce my success in making plans to set up a new parliamentary group in the European Parliament, in the fullness of time. The new group will represent the modern progressive regressive forward and backward looking left-liberal eurosceptic right-wing, attracting support from the following European sister parties:
I know some readers will be disappointed that we are not leaving the EPP any sooner. However upon meeting the formidable German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a profound impression was made upon me. All I can say is that Mrs T has competition. Don't let me appear on Jonothan Ross again.
Tag: EPP
- Poland: The rabidly homophobic Law and Justice Party (7 MEPs)
- Estonia: Revolutionary Communist (Reformed) Party (1 MEP)
- Slovenia: Bread and Windmills Alliance (1 MEP)
- Finland: End the ban on using a Nokia while sledging Party (1 MEP)
- Ireland: Fine Mess (1 MEP)
- Netherlands: Cyclists and Chauffeurs alliance (1 MEP)
I know some readers will be disappointed that we are not leaving the EPP any sooner. However upon meeting the formidable German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a profound impression was made upon me. All I can say is that Mrs T has competition. Don't let me appear on Jonothan Ross again.
Tag: EPP
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Wossy
I'm sure you all saw my huge success on the Jonothan Ross programme at the BBC. I came across as exactly the sort of hip young thing that appeals to hip young voters these days. My master stroke was giggling along as Mr Ross and his other guest the actor Mr Bruce Rillis were saying "fuck".
But not all the success is of my doing, for once. Mr Ross observed that neither he nor I knew what my policies were - creating an intimate fraternal bond between us, and thereby between me and Mr Ross's viewers and listeners.
As to the question of whether I had sexual fantasies about Mrs Thatcher... all I can say is that I had a normal student experience.
But not all the success is of my doing, for once. Mr Ross observed that neither he nor I knew what my policies were - creating an intimate fraternal bond between us, and thereby between me and Mr Ross's viewers and listeners.
As to the question of whether I had sexual fantasies about Mrs Thatcher... all I can say is that I had a normal student experience.
Friday, June 09, 2006
The Forsyth Protocol
I know Fred is unhappy that we have not yet got around to allying our MEPs with the rabidly homophobic Law and Justice party of Poland. We tried sending Theresa May over to talk to them, but they told her that she belonged in the kitchen.
But Freddie must understand that when you are not the front runner in an electoral contest you have to go the extra mile to say things that will appeal to the electorate. There isn't, after all, much danger of winning, and if you do win, you can always renege. My advice to Fred is this: see what promises I make to the electorate before you start demanding that I keep the promise I made to the Conservatives. You wouldn't want to set a precedent!
But Freddie must understand that when you are not the front runner in an electoral contest you have to go the extra mile to say things that will appeal to the electorate. There isn't, after all, much danger of winning, and if you do win, you can always renege. My advice to Fred is this: see what promises I make to the electorate before you start demanding that I keep the promise I made to the Conservatives. You wouldn't want to set a precedent!
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Tangled up in Blue
Many requests for the full words to that Bob Dylan song Tangled up in Blue, I had on Desert Island Discs, so here they are...
Early one mornin' the sun was shinin',
I was lyin' to you
Wond'rin' if she'd changed at all
If her hair was still blue.
The folks they said our politics
Sure was gonna be nasty
They never did like Mama's finishing school
Papa'd never eaten a pasty.
And I was standin' on the side of the road
Rain fallin' on my shoes
Heading out for the Right Wing
Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,
Tangled up in blue.
She was Prime Minister when we first met
Soon to be cut to size
I helped her out with PR, I guess,
But I used a little too many lies.
We lurched to the right as far as we could
Privatized with zest
Split up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best.
She turned around to look at me
As I was holdin' the blade
I heard her say over my shoulder,
"My legacy won't fade on the avenue,"
Tangled up in blue.
I had a job in the marketing game
Snorting the coke real well
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the ax just fell.
So I drifted down to parliament
Where I happened to be employed
Workin' for a while on a manifesto
For the vampire boy.
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind,
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind, and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.
She was dozin' in a sunlit place
And I stopped in to be anointed,
I just kept lookin' at the side of her face
Her questions to me were pointed.
And later on as the crowd thinned out
I's just about to do the same,
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me, "Don't I know your game?"
I muttered somethin' underneath my breath,
She studied the lines on my face.
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she tol' me to tie the laces of my shoe,
Tangled up in blue.
She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
"I thought you'd never get this far," she said
"You look like the shallow type."
Then she opened up a book of prose
And handed it to me
Written by a scottish guy
From the eighteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin' coal
Pourin' off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.
I lived with them on Montague Street
With A-listers dim and tarty
There was a chameleon on the television
And revolution in the party.
Then we started into making policies
And that's where it all went wrong.
We didn't know what its all about
Just like this song
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn,
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew,
Tangled up in blue.
So now I'm goin' back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now.
Some are politicians
Some are Conservative wives.
Don't know how it all got started,
I don't know what they're doin' with their lives.
But me, I'm still on the road
Headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.
Tags: Bob Dylan, Tangled Up in Blue, Desert Island Discs, David Cameron
Early one mornin' the sun was shinin',
I was lyin' to you
Wond'rin' if she'd changed at all
If her hair was still blue.
The folks they said our politics
Sure was gonna be nasty
They never did like Mama's finishing school
Papa'd never eaten a pasty.
And I was standin' on the side of the road
Rain fallin' on my shoes
Heading out for the Right Wing
Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,
Tangled up in blue.
She was Prime Minister when we first met
Soon to be cut to size
I helped her out with PR, I guess,
But I used a little too many lies.
We lurched to the right as far as we could
Privatized with zest
Split up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best.
She turned around to look at me
As I was holdin' the blade
I heard her say over my shoulder,
"My legacy won't fade on the avenue,"
Tangled up in blue.
I had a job in the marketing game
Snorting the coke real well
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the ax just fell.
So I drifted down to parliament
Where I happened to be employed
Workin' for a while on a manifesto
For the vampire boy.
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind,
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind, and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.
She was dozin' in a sunlit place
And I stopped in to be anointed,
I just kept lookin' at the side of her face
Her questions to me were pointed.
And later on as the crowd thinned out
I's just about to do the same,
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me, "Don't I know your game?"
I muttered somethin' underneath my breath,
She studied the lines on my face.
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she tol' me to tie the laces of my shoe,
Tangled up in blue.
She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
"I thought you'd never get this far," she said
"You look like the shallow type."
Then she opened up a book of prose
And handed it to me
Written by a scottish guy
From the eighteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin' coal
Pourin' off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.
I lived with them on Montague Street
With A-listers dim and tarty
There was a chameleon on the television
And revolution in the party.
Then we started into making policies
And that's where it all went wrong.
We didn't know what its all about
Just like this song
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn,
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew,
Tangled up in blue.
So now I'm goin' back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now.
Some are politicians
Some are Conservative wives.
Don't know how it all got started,
I don't know what they're doin' with their lives.
But me, I'm still on the road
Headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.
Tags: Bob Dylan, Tangled Up in Blue, Desert Island Discs, David Cameron
Monday, May 22, 2006
Don't worry, be happy
I came into politics not just to advance right-wing moderate politics, but to do it with a smile. I just want us all to hold hands and be happy together.
There are lots of ways to be happy: love, fulfilment, sex, drugs, self-deluding fantasy, schadenfreude, etc, and I've tried them all. (Didn't always succeed, mind you.)
Many people argue that this is not a proper concern for the state - that we all have different desires, and we should be left free to pursue them ourselves. These people are neglecting one important fact. I don't just want to change the conservative party, I want to make it happy. And I know how to make it happy: say anything to get elected, and then revert to type.
There are lots of ways to be happy: love, fulfilment, sex, drugs, self-deluding fantasy, schadenfreude, etc, and I've tried them all. (Didn't always succeed, mind you.)
Many people argue that this is not a proper concern for the state - that we all have different desires, and we should be left free to pursue them ourselves. These people are neglecting one important fact. I don't just want to change the conservative party, I want to make it happy. And I know how to make it happy: say anything to get elected, and then revert to type.
Friday, May 12, 2006
I've got a big A list
As someday it must happen that an MP must be found
I've got a big A list
I've got a big A list
Of society offenders who might well be rather sound
Who never would be missed
The Tories will be pissed
There's Tory boys and totty, there's token blacks and queers
I've got C list actors, coming out my ears
With chick lit and with tree huggers called Zac
We'll soon have all the voters coming back
Cos it really doesn't matter who you put upon the list
They'd none of them be missed
The Tories will be pissed
Chorus
He's got 'em on the list
He's got 'em on the list
And they'd none of them be missed
We tories are all pissed.
Tags: Mikado
I've got a big A list
I've got a big A list
Of society offenders who might well be rather sound
Who never would be missed
The Tories will be pissed
There's Tory boys and totty, there's token blacks and queers
I've got C list actors, coming out my ears
With chick lit and with tree huggers called Zac
We'll soon have all the voters coming back
Cos it really doesn't matter who you put upon the list
They'd none of them be missed
The Tories will be pissed
Chorus
He's got 'em on the list
He's got 'em on the list
And they'd none of them be missed
We tories are all pissed.
Tags: Mikado
Friday, April 28, 2006
Beyond satire
Many in our party are uncomfortable with our bold steps into the centre ground. I am undaunted.
In order to appeal to the moderate majority in England, we simply have to talk about the things they are interested in. And one of the biggest topics these days is satirising the Conservative Party.
Well I can do it better than they can. And, if I say so myself, having the chauffer drive my bag and shoes, while I cycle, is a masterstroke that no satirist could better. It portrays me as appearing green, while doing nothing of any practical value. It is what everybody is talking about these days. And when the people see that we are talking the same language too, they will vote for us in droves. I love it!
In order to appeal to the moderate majority in England, we simply have to talk about the things they are interested in. And one of the biggest topics these days is satirising the Conservative Party.
Well I can do it better than they can. And, if I say so myself, having the chauffer drive my bag and shoes, while I cycle, is a masterstroke that no satirist could better. It portrays me as appearing green, while doing nothing of any practical value. It is what everybody is talking about these days. And when the people see that we are talking the same language too, they will vote for us in droves. I love it!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Half Tory, Half Tree-Hugger
So I have been called a half-Tory. What people need to understand is how the Lexus hybrid works.
Firstly, the batteries and electric motor allow the engine to run at efficient speeds, and recapture energy when the brakes are applied. This allows an almost doubling of fuel efficiency. ("Half Tree Hugger")
Secondly, it is twice as big as other cars, halving the fuel efficiency again ("Half Tory"). So let me reassure you, that my Tory half is twice the Tory of anybody else's Tory half.
Ahem, I mean my tree-hugger half is twice... well you know what I mean.
Anyway, the environment is not about a binary choice between hugging trees and cutting them down. We can give them a really big hug and then cut them down.
Tag: hybrid, tree-hugger
Firstly, the batteries and electric motor allow the engine to run at efficient speeds, and recapture energy when the brakes are applied. This allows an almost doubling of fuel efficiency. ("Half Tree Hugger")
Secondly, it is twice as big as other cars, halving the fuel efficiency again ("Half Tory"). So let me reassure you, that my Tory half is twice the Tory of anybody else's Tory half.
Ahem, I mean my tree-hugger half is twice... well you know what I mean.
Anyway, the environment is not about a binary choice between hugging trees and cutting them down. We can give them a really big hug and then cut them down.
Tag: hybrid, tree-hugger
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Vote blue, go green, in the red and turning yellow
Some of the green lobby tend to look at the environment as a binary choice: you can have either economic growth or a sustainable environment. But the truth is we're at a loss to think of how to deliver either.
But Conservative councils do more recycling, have cleaner streets, host more hunting and shooting, than any Green Party run council anywhere in the country.
We've got to think global, act local. Think green, vote blue. We are not inheriting the earth from our parents, we are borrowing it from future generations of landowners. Remember you're a womble.
I expect every conservative, once a day, to make their own contribution, by picking up a piece of litter, or not flying to the Arctic, or living in a cave for a month and growing turnips. I love it.
But Conservative councils do more recycling, have cleaner streets, host more hunting and shooting, than any Green Party run council anywhere in the country.
We've got to think global, act local. Think green, vote blue. We are not inheriting the earth from our parents, we are borrowing it from future generations of landowners. Remember you're a womble.
I expect every conservative, once a day, to make their own contribution, by picking up a piece of litter, or not flying to the Arctic, or living in a cave for a month and growing turnips. I love it.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
The fire of spam is burning bright
A member asked me in Manchester "do we really have to change, is there no choice?" Well of course there is choice. The Conservative Party is all about choice. This is the choice:
"There's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and change; egg bacon and change; egg bacon sausage and change; change bacon sausage and change; change egg change change bacon and change; change sausage change change bacon change tomato and change."
"I don't want any change," she said.
"Well," I said, "there's change egg sausage and change, that's not got much change in it."
"Could you do the egg bacon change and sausage without the change then?"
"Change egg bacon change, sausage and change it is then. Oh, and egg, bacon and sausage are off. At least until we are elected anyway."
You see I am determined to win back Britain's northern cities, like Manchester, and er, er, and the others. And if change is what it takes, change is what I'll talk about.
"There's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and change; egg bacon and change; egg bacon sausage and change; change bacon sausage and change; change egg change change bacon and change; change sausage change change bacon change tomato and change."
"I don't want any change," she said.
"Well," I said, "there's change egg sausage and change, that's not got much change in it."
"Could you do the egg bacon change and sausage without the change then?"
"Change egg bacon change, sausage and change it is then. Oh, and egg, bacon and sausage are off. At least until we are elected anyway."
You see I am determined to win back Britain's northern cities, like Manchester, and er, er, and the others. And if change is what it takes, change is what I'll talk about.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Cleaning up
Well it is has been a tough few weeks, I can tell you, raising the cash to pay back all the dodgy loans from johnny foriegners before we come clean and put all the sleaze behind us.
Because, make no mistake about it, the Conservative Party is changing and will no longer, as of today, deal in suitcases full of used fivers without going through the proper and above-board money laundering channels.
Our creditors in full:
And we will start paying it back as soon as this money arrives. But it is good to have all that cleaned up. Never let it be said we aren't a party of fiscal prudence. I lord it!
Tags: Party Funding, Dodgy Loans, Conservatives
Because, make no mistake about it, the Conservative Party is changing and will no longer, as of today, deal in suitcases full of used fivers without going through the proper and above-board money laundering channels.
Our creditors in full:
- Lord Laundering of Belize (£9.6m)
- Lord Beroughen Onne-Vealeuppe of Bahrain (£12.6m)
- Lord Archer of Ford (-£1.2m)
- Lord Voldemort of Harry Potter fame (1m gold galleons)
- Dame Upenamme (£33.5m)
And we will start paying it back as soon as this money arrives. But it is good to have all that cleaned up. Never let it be said we aren't a party of fiscal prudence. I lord it!
Tags: Party Funding, Dodgy Loans, Conservatives
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Tony and choice
It was a great pleasure to help Tony out with the Education Bill. Tony and I are of one mind on this. We believe passionately in talking about choice in Education. Talking about choice in education works like this: Middle class parents don't want riff raff dragging their childrens' schools down. So they will choose to vote for a party which promises to keep the riff raff out of nice schools. This is called the choice agenda. And luckily the riff raff are too thick to see what is going on - they might even think we would give them a choice. I love it!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Housig Bolicy
Ubfordubadely I cubnd go to Leeds doday do launch by bew housig bolicy.
Abyway here id is for by friends ib de blogosbere:
Abyway here id is for by friends ib de blogosbere:
- Ebsuring bore hobes suidable for blebs are build, sobewhere oud of de way.
- Baking sure blannig rules ebcourage hobes wid de gardens for de iggle giddies.
- Obebing ub shared-owbershib sgebes do beeble bore ligely do bode Gobserbadibe.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
In Full: Tory aims and values
The launch of my new statement of new values has had some coverage, but has been misreported a little, so I repost it here, for clarity.
Our Aims:
To improve the quality of life for everyone who is young and rich through: corporate welfare and nepotism. A strong society, where our families, our communities and our nation create secure foundations on the backs of the plebs. A sustainable environment for weekends shooting.
Our Values:
The more we say we trust people, the more they might trust us again. We're all in this together: government, business, do-gooders, families and plebs. We have a shared responsibility for my future.
Our Party:
We are an open and inclusive party. We will act to ensure that our Party, at the bottom rung, is representative of modern Britain. Even my very election as leader reduced the proportion of Etonians in the lower strata of the party.
What we're fighting for:
1. We will put economic stability first, for once. But over time there will be tax cuts, which we will call sharing.
2. We care deeply about the most disadvantaged in society. The right test for a party is how much it says it cares deeply about the most disadvantaged in society. We will stand up for the victims of state failure, now that many have forgotten what it was like when we were in power.
3. Quality of life matters to people, we hear. Even plebs. So we'll make sure to protect the environment, for shooting. And we won't have a go at working mothers any more because that wasn't nice.
4. We like public services now, and we will make them better, until the time comes fortax cuts sharing.
5. Make poverty history. Did you like that press release about Bob Geldof? All the young rock 'n' rollers will be voting for us now.
6. We are not such loony authoritarians as Tony Blair is - we don't have to be because people don't suspect we're bleeding hearts - we don't talk about caring and sharing and all that shit... er... damn.
7. We understand the limitations of being in government, but we believe in being in government. We are not limited in our aspirations for being in government.
8. We want more local democracy, except for regional assemblies. They might really make a difference, as the Scottish Parliament and the GLA has done. When we talk about localism what we really mean is wrecking the House of Commons to keep all those Labour Celts out.
Our Aims:
To improve the quality of life for everyone who is young and rich through: corporate welfare and nepotism. A strong society, where our families, our communities and our nation create secure foundations on the backs of the plebs. A sustainable environment for weekends shooting.
Our Values:
The more we say we trust people, the more they might trust us again. We're all in this together: government, business, do-gooders, families and plebs. We have a shared responsibility for my future.
Our Party:
We are an open and inclusive party. We will act to ensure that our Party, at the bottom rung, is representative of modern Britain. Even my very election as leader reduced the proportion of Etonians in the lower strata of the party.
What we're fighting for:
1. We will put economic stability first, for once. But over time there will be tax cuts, which we will call sharing.
2. We care deeply about the most disadvantaged in society. The right test for a party is how much it says it cares deeply about the most disadvantaged in society. We will stand up for the victims of state failure, now that many have forgotten what it was like when we were in power.
3. Quality of life matters to people, we hear. Even plebs. So we'll make sure to protect the environment, for shooting. And we won't have a go at working mothers any more because that wasn't nice.
4. We like public services now, and we will make them better, until the time comes for
5. Make poverty history. Did you like that press release about Bob Geldof? All the young rock 'n' rollers will be voting for us now.
6. We are not such loony authoritarians as Tony Blair is - we don't have to be because people don't suspect we're bleeding hearts - we don't talk about caring and sharing and all that shit... er... damn.
7. We understand the limitations of being in government, but we believe in being in government. We are not limited in our aspirations for being in government.
8. We want more local democracy, except for regional assemblies. They might really make a difference, as the Scottish Parliament and the GLA has done. When we talk about localism what we really mean is wrecking the House of Commons to keep all those Labour Celts out.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Tebbers has a go
This really isn't on, distinctly off message. What Tebbers and the other Old Conservative dinosaurs have to realise is that we aren't abandoning our values of hating change and hating the poor, we are applying them in a new and changed way.
And for Tebbit to compare my 'purge of Thatcherism' to Pol Pot, well really. Young people are not going to be won round to right-wing misanthropy with talk like that. No, they need to be won over by young people, like me, appearing to be nice.
And for Tebbit to compare my 'purge of Thatcherism' to Pol Pot, well really. Young people are not going to be won round to right-wing misanthropy with talk like that. No, they need to be won over by young people, like me, appearing to be nice.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Arthur Elrond Cameron
I was speaking to a young man the other day - the sort we in the Conservative Party are reaching out to - I think it was in the high street, by Games Workshop, discussing what young people feel strongly about these days. He was unequivocal: the elves did not belong at Helm's Deep. My views exactly. It just goes to show how in touch with young people the modern Conservative Party is.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Questions, Questions
FP* stood in for me yesterday at PMQs, a good wag, but not quite young enough if you ask me.
Meanwhile chez Cameron, we had NMQs over the breakfast table. I asked the leader of our domestic government whether she would stick to her ealier commitments on pre-school education. Because, I added, with a fine rhetorical flourish, if she needed me to, I would support her! Got to keep my hand in, after all. I love it!
*Fourteen Pint (Foetus)
Tags: PMQs education
Meanwhile chez Cameron, we had NMQs over the breakfast table. I asked the leader of our domestic government whether she would stick to her ealier commitments on pre-school education. Because, I added, with a fine rhetorical flourish, if she needed me to, I would support her! Got to keep my hand in, after all. I love it!
*Fourteen Pint (Foetus)
Tags: PMQs education
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
It's a boy!
It's jolly spiffing being a daddy again, well I never really stopped being a daddy. One doesn't stop being a daddy one day and start again the next. That would be flip flopping! Don't go there.
Good job it was a boy tho as I can put him down for Eton, and they aren't taking girls. I was preparing an announcement, just in case, of setting a 20% target for girls at Eton, by, let's say 2017. But that can wait for another day. I love it!
Tag: baby
Good job it was a boy tho as I can put him down for Eton, and they aren't taking girls. I was preparing an announcement, just in case, of setting a 20% target for girls at Eton, by, let's say 2017. But that can wait for another day. I love it!
Tag: baby
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